Tag Archives: stoicism

How should I go?

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Taking a little detour here from “we.”  Going back to a “me” topic.  Well, maybe there is some “we” as well.  In any case…

Sometimes I wonder how I would prefer to meet my own death.  I don’t mean method of death.  Movie series like Final Destination or Saw, and countless others seem to gruesomely explore these possibilities.  It’s human nature to wonder about how we will die, that is what makes such movies alluring, but that is not I am talking about today.  What I am talking about is the “when.”  What I mean is I sometimes wonder how much time I would have from my knowing that I was dying to when I actually kicked the bucket.  If I go in a flash, I won’t be pondering my demise with acute urgency.  If I take years, indeed I would feel the pressure to tie up any loose ends.  It really doesn’t matter at this point, because I have no knowledge or control of how the end will come.  At this point, nobody has informed me that I have a terminal illness, or asked me to perform a life or death mission.  At this point, my death is completely in the hands of fate, and completely out of my control…completely unknown to me.  As far as I know, it is not imminent…although, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.


It seems that when it comes to my eventual death, there are two main issues I think I should focus on:

  1. Being Ready
  2. Loose Ends

Being Ready (Preparing for Death)

Shouldn’t I always be ready?  Isn’t that one of the essential tenets of living the philosophical life?  Shouldn’t I always be ready for my death?  What is the difference if a doctor tells me I have 2 months to live or not?  Aren’t I dying already?  I am in the process of death right now: my hair is graying, my stamina in just about everything is less than when I was 18, I can’t eat spicy food any more, I am unable to even tolerate eating ice cream (which I still love).  In short, these are all signs of my slow and eventual demise.  Nature is already telling me, “you are going to die.”  The only difference from that dreaded doctor news is the time span and the assumed authority (we tend to believe doctors when they tell us we aren’t going to make it, even though many defy the odds).

So, isn’t my goal to mentally be that doctor?  To stare myself down and say, “you only have about 40 more years to live, maybe less…maybe a LOT less.  It could be days, we just aren’t sure.  I’ve got to be upfront with you, there is a slight possibility that you might not make it through the day.”  It’s the truth, isn’t it?  Well, if I can admit that is the case, then shouldn’t I be ready.  Shouldn’t I always be aware that every moment is precious?  Absolutely!

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once."--Shakespeare

“The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once.”–Shakespeare

Loose Ends

Do I really need time to tie up loose ends?  When would be a good time to die?  Before my wife?  After?  After my kids are grown?  After they are married?  After grandchildren?  Great-grandchildren?  Certainly, after I purchase life insurance.  So many loose ends, and no way to tie them all up before I go, no matter how long I have.  And there is the heart of the matter…I cannot possibly tie up all the loose ends before I die.  Remember, that your life is on loan to you for the time that is allotted.  You can try and try, but there will always be more you may wish to have experienced.  For some, this life may be like that trip to Disney World, that they never want to end…but it must end, even though you wished you could have spent more time at the Magic Kingdom.

No matter how together you are.  No matter how prepared you are for your own death, there will always be things that are undone.  There will be loose ends.  In my case, I think my goal is to make that clear to those who might miss me.  First, I suppose is to ensure that they will miss me, by my action and character.  After that, I must remind them (albeit gently) that life will go on when I am gone.  Hopefully, some people will miss me, but most likely they will go on, maybe occasionally touched by the sadness of my departure, but mostly unaffected in their outlook on life despite my permanent absence.  This is my hope anyway, and I think for the most part, it is true.

There are two main points about loose ends.  First, that you will likely depart before you and others desire.  More importantly though, eventually most (perhaps all) will go on quite peacefully without you.  So, there will be loose ends, but I think most of them will be centered around your own desires to want a little more “magic.”  Most of those loose ends can be tied by someone else who remains.  Eventually, people will go to Disney without you.

This is how I should face my end:  Always ready, aware that there will be loose ends when I go, and that those loose ends will eventually be tied.

Me

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“If one were to measure what is agreeable by the standard of pleasure, nothing would be pleasanter than self-control; and if one were to measure what is to be avoided by pain, nothing would be more painful than lack of self-control.” Musonius Rufus

How do I live?  Isn’t that the whole point of having a philosophy?  It is good to have a philosophy, to be whole and virtuous, to have tranquility, but is it a mistake to spend the bulk of my time and thought on “me”?  In the end, we are looking for our own contentment. I am not going to lie to myself; in the end, how I live my life is determined by how it makes “me” feel.  Will my actions and thoughts bring me tranquility?

I close my eyes for a moment.  What do I sense?  Where is the center of this sensation?  For some, it will be in our heads, for others it will be somewhere near the center of mass of our body, maybe the navel, maybe near the heart.  What is my perspective when I open my eyes?  The perspective comes from the center of my head.  When I listen where does the sound go?  Inside me somewhere, yes?  When I feel pleasant, where do I feel it…somewhere within the boundaries of my body, no?  Everything starts somewhere within the confines of “me.”  For you, it is the same.

The Eyes are the "Portal to the Soul"

The Eyes are the “Portal to the Soul”

My point here is that I cannot avoid the fact that everything in my life starts with an egocentric motive, it starts with me.  All things in my life start with me.  All the things that I can control are inside of me.  My mood, my thoughts, parts of my health.  This is not to say that everything in me is in my control.  I will maintain that cancer may destroy my body regardless of how much I do not want it to.  My brain does not fire on all cylinders all the time despite how much I want it to.  The examples abound of things I cannot control within me.  But here is my point: if it is something we can control, it is within us.  Nothing outside of us is completely in our control.

Tall Ship

Are you “seaworthy?”

Moreover, too many times we attempt to “fix” the world around us before we have made ourselves ready for the task.  Before setting sail, shouldn’t we make sure our ship is seaworthy?  Absolutely!  Keep in mind, that you could spend 100% of your time on yourself, and of course there will still be imperfection.  For a ship, being seaworthy does not mean that there aren’t maintenance issues to be dealt with constantly.  Eventually, you have to sail with what you have, and you deal with the minor issues on the ship as they appear.  So, I hope you see my point:  tending to your own mind and body is first and will take the bulk of your time, but that is so you can well and faithfully serve where necessary…but only if and when you have readied yourself.

I think that is why the Stoic philosophy is so “me-oriented,” since that is the locus of control that we truly have.  That is why me is always first.  Wholeness begins with yourself.  You can serve others better when you are whole.

Me, We, and They

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I think living a virtuous life is a balance between tending to me, we, and they. It starts with tending to “me,” but at some point I move on to “we” and “they.”  As I move on to “we” and “they,” I always return back to “me” again, cultivating my own virtue.  Certainly, part of virtuous living is how effectively I keep these in balance, and how smoothly I transition to tending each.  A good balance I think, is about 50/30/20 (me/we/they).

Starting with "me."

Starting with “me.”

I will discuss this in more detail soon.  Starting with, “me” of course.

...then "we" and "they"

…then “we” and “they”

“Root out the violence in your life, and learn to live compassionately and mindfully. Seek peace. When you have peace within, real peace with others is possible.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

The Story of Epictetus

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I recently talked about The Buddha, and how his life started as one of riches and comfort.  I also mentioned that perhaps this state of life positioned him to begin his journey toward enlightenment.  In short (very short), his life of riches did not mean eternal happiness, and in fact may have made him more attuned to dissatisfaction in life.

Epictetus with his cane

Epictetus with his cane

On the other hand, Epictetus, one of our Stoics, came from the opposite “side of the tracks.”  He was born around AD 55 as a roman slave, well actually he was born in a Greek-speaking region of the Roman empire.  He was lame in one leg from childhood.  In some stories, this bad leg was the result of a beating of his slavemaster, although it could have been a rheumatic (arthritis) condition he inherited.  Either way, it was a physical impediment throughout his life.  Early in life, still a child by most measures, he came to Rome as a slave of a freed slave named Epaphroditus.  Epaphroditus allowed Epictetus to study under another famous Stoic, Musonius Rufus, where certainly much of his philosophy was formed.   In his teens, he was eventually freed from slavery.  When he was 34, he (and many other philosophers) was banished from Rome by the Emperor Domitian.  Let’s not gloss over this; think about what it would be like for the government to come to your house and say, “We don’t like what you do for a living, now you must leave the country, because you are a threat.”  This is is what this would be like in modern times.  Really, really imagine this (hopefully you only have to imagine this, and have never actually experienced this) and how difficult this would be.  You would have to either pay for movement of some/all of your possessions and/or leave some/all of your possessions behind.  In any case, he did leave and he continued to teach philosophy in Western Greece (Nicopolis) until his death at about 80.  He lived a solitary and simple life, with very few possessions. He either married very late in his life or not at all (depending on the account).  Also in his late life, he adopted a child whose parents were unable to provide for it.

Nicopolis on the Western Coast

Nicopolis on the Western Coast

It may very well have been his experience as both a slave and with physical handicap that convinced him that life is a struggle that is given to us as a gift for our improvement.  Furthermore, our attachment to controlling that which we cannot control causes us even more grief.  Suffering and the relief of suffering–this sounds a lot like the Buddha.  Read this excerpt below and try and distinguish this from Buddhism (Although there are differences in style and degree, I have a difficult time):

On suffering:  “Difficulties are what show men’s character. Therefore when a difficult crisis meets you, remember that you are as the raw youth with whom God the trainer is wrestling…That you may win at Olympia: and that cannot be done without sweating for it.”  –Discourses Book 1 Chapter 1

On attachment:  “But now when it is in our power to look after one thing, and to attach ourselves to it, we prefer to look after many things, and to be bound to many things, to the body and to property, and to brother and to friend, and to child and to slave. Since, then, we are bound to many things, we are depressed by them and dragged down. For this reason, when the weather is not fit for sailing, we sit down and torment ourselves, and continually look out to see what wind is blowing. “It is north.” What is that to us? “When will the west wind blow?” When it shall choose, my good man, or when it shall please Aeolus; for God has not made you the manager of the winds, but Aeolus. What then? We must make the best use that we can of the things which are in our power, and use the rest according to their nature. What is their nature then? As God may please.” –Discourses  Book 1 Chapter 24

Epictetus’ teaching cuts to the heart of living the Heroic Stoic way.  Always in mind, should be the source of suffering and its relief by our non-attachment.   Always in mind are how most things are out of our control.  Much of our life is destined by fate, and all of it is impermanent.