“So, when you cannot change a man’s opinion, recognize that he is a child, clap with him, and if you do not wish to do this, you have only to hold your peace.” Epictetus Discourses Book I Chapter 29
Epictetus’ Wisdom
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Tag Archives: virtue
10 Things You Can Do Right Now to be Helpful (“We” Part 3)
Another way you can take care of the “we,” in your life is to go out of your way to do something nice for those closest to you.
In my first “we” post I listed who I considered to be part of my close circle (those who I consider to be the “we” in my life). Remember:
- My spouse or beloved
- My children
- My extended family (Parents, Brothers and Sisters)
- Coworkers
- Neighbors (on my street)
- Close Friends
So, for these people you can do any of these things:
- Wash the dishes for them (I was thinking of my wife and kids on this one. It might be a little strange to walk up to your neighbor’s door and offer to wash their dishes).
- Mow the lawn for them
- [Offer to] watch the/their children while they take care of errands, shop, or go to the spa.
- Teach them about philosophy (or just plain right or wrong…like your kids).
- Ask them, “How are you doing?” and really mean it. Wait for an answer. Just listen.
- Offer your professional services at a discount or for free (accountant, tax prep, personal training, electrician or whatever you may be good at/certified to do).
- Let them know about opportunities that they might be interested in. Of course, you would have to know them fairly well to have a good idea if it would be right for them.
- Help them with an annual household chore: cleaning gutters, changing air filters, raking leaves, removing a stump, changing oil.
- Talk with them, be friendly, make the effort to connect without being nosy or pushy.
- For your coworkers, help them with a work project when they need it.
- Always be tactfully honest with them. (An example of not being tactful is if a coworker is having a “bad hair day” and you say, “Oh my gosh, your hair looks terrible!” Depending on your closeness to the individual this might be OK, right?)
Just a few suggestions for looking after “us.” Of course some of these are more or less appropriate based on the situation.
Really, Really Listening (“We” Part 2)
So, how about REALLY listening to those around you? Once you master that, then maybe you can go out and fix the world beyond. I cannot tell you how many times I have committed to doing this…to really listening. I would compare this effort to speeding, when I was younger. NOTE: Now, I regularly drive about 5-7 MPH over the speed limit. I do not do this for safety or because I think that the speed limits are correct. It is just not worth it to me to get a ticket AND have my time wasted by a stop. Anyway, back in the day I would speed EVERYWHERE, then I would get a ticket and drive around at speed limit-speeds for 6 months. Eventually, my probation would expire and my carefulness would wear off. Then, I would speed again.
This is a lot like how I listen in my life. I am ALWAYS preoccupied with something (with a lot of things, actually). My child, my wife, or a coworker will be talking to me and I suddenly realize that I was not listening. Even worse, the talker will realize it and then ask, “Are you listening to me?” BUSTED! Whether I realize it or I am busted by the speaker, this is like getting that speeding ticket. It is time to slow down and really listen. But how do I do that? My favorite way to do that is called Active Listening.
This is not active listening!
There are many way to actively listen, but here’s my technique:
- Stop what you are doing (no typing, watching TV, texting, writing, etc.).
- Turn and look at the speaker (as long as you are with the speaker).
- Really, really try to comprehend; stop thinking of other things.
- Do not formulate rebuttals in you mind. Be open to what you hear.
- When there is a pause, repeat what the speaker is saying in your mind.
- When the message has been delivered, then you can paraphrase what the speaker has said to you: “So let me see, what you are saying is…”
- Ask questions at opportune times, if you do not understand: “One moment, did you mean that…?”
- Take the time afterward to reflect on what someone has told you. If you are unclear, follow up with them. This shows that you took the time to receive the message and have thought it through.
This is just one way to be virtuous with your “we.” Your interactions with those closest to you define who you are. If I am not listening to them, then I am not a good listener, and that does not honor those closest to me who are trying to communicate with me.
Taking Care of Yourself: A Parable
Like the traveler on an aircraft, you are vulnerable. At any time, the cabin may lose pressurization and you would not have enough oxygen to breathe. If there were to be a rapid decompression, vapor would fill the room, the pressure would drop, and your lungs would deflate. Your lungs would be unable to provide you the required oxygen, because there is simply not enough pressure. Of course, if everything worked as expected, the oxygen masks would drop providing you with enough pure oxygen to survive until the situation was under control.
(In the video: The Masks Drop at 1:28)
But did you remember what the flight attendant said? “Always put your own mask on first.” Why? Because if you tried to put your child’s mask on first you would pass out before you might help either her or you. You must put your own mask on FIRST. Once you do, you can help others. So make, sure you are taken care of, then move on to helping those closest to you.
Notice that you don’t have to be safely on the ground or 100% secure to help others, but you do have to at least have the tools to function as a servant.
Me
“If one were to measure what is agreeable by the standard of pleasure, nothing would be pleasanter than self-control; and if one were to measure what is to be avoided by pain, nothing would be more painful than lack of self-control.” Musonius Rufus
How do I live? Isn’t that the whole point of having a philosophy? It is good to have a philosophy, to be whole and virtuous, to have tranquility, but is it a mistake to spend the bulk of my time and thought on “me”? In the end, we are looking for our own contentment. I am not going to lie to myself; in the end, how I live my life is determined by how it makes “me” feel. Will my actions and thoughts bring me tranquility?
I close my eyes for a moment. What do I sense? Where is the center of this sensation? For some, it will be in our heads, for others it will be somewhere near the center of mass of our body, maybe the navel, maybe near the heart. What is my perspective when I open my eyes? The perspective comes from the center of my head. When I listen where does the sound go? Inside me somewhere, yes? When I feel pleasant, where do I feel it…somewhere within the boundaries of my body, no? Everything starts somewhere within the confines of “me.” For you, it is the same.
The Eyes are the “Portal to the Soul”
My point here is that I cannot avoid the fact that everything in my life starts with an egocentric motive, it starts with me. All things in my life start with me. All the things that I can control are inside of me. My mood, my thoughts, parts of my health. This is not to say that everything in me is in my control. I will maintain that cancer may destroy my body regardless of how much I do not want it to. My brain does not fire on all cylinders all the time despite how much I want it to. The examples abound of things I cannot control within me. But here is my point: if it is something we can control, it is within us. Nothing outside of us is completely in our control.
Are you “seaworthy?”
Moreover, too many times we attempt to “fix” the world around us before we have made ourselves ready for the task. Before setting sail, shouldn’t we make sure our ship is seaworthy? Absolutely! Keep in mind, that you could spend 100% of your time on yourself, and of course there will still be imperfection. For a ship, being seaworthy does not mean that there aren’t maintenance issues to be dealt with constantly. Eventually, you have to sail with what you have, and you deal with the minor issues on the ship as they appear. So, I hope you see my point: tending to your own mind and body is first and will take the bulk of your time, but that is so you can well and faithfully serve where necessary…but only if and when you have readied yourself.
I think that is why the Stoic philosophy is so “me-oriented,” since that is the locus of control that we truly have. That is why me is always first. Wholeness begins with yourself. You can serve others better when you are whole.