Tag Archives: understanding

You Can Lead a Horse to Water…

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If you know something is right, if you know that acting a certain way, or even feeling a certain way is the way to maintain your tranquility, then why don’t you do it?

I will get to the point:  It is through your will that you can maintain your tranquility.  To act according to your philosophy during the most trying of times requires great effort, but to be a person of virtue you must do this.  You must, through sheer mental exertion, act how you know you should act!

Here on the site, I write about a philosophical world view that includes being aware of what you can and cannot control, that fate largely determines our future, and that everything is impermanent.  You may agree with this view in its entirety or you may disagree with parts or even all of it.  Regardless of your opinion on the matter, I do think that living a life of tranquility requires two major steps:

  1. Establish your philosophy (How do I live?)
  2. Live by that philosophy

Because it may be where most of us philosophers fail, I want to address that second part today.  Assuming you have established some semblance of what is the way to live, then what does it take to actually live according to what you know to be virtuous?  Let’s break this down a little.  Let’s just take one small example.

In my philosophy, I know that I cannot control the actions of those around me.  Occasionally, I am confronted by someone who is a complete jackass.

Picture of an Ass

Picture of a jackass

I don’t mean that they are being a jackass today, but I mean a person who, by the sum of their actions, is a jackass (see definition here).  Assuming that I must deal with this person, at least for a time, what do I do?  First, I must determine (a) how I act with this person?  For my own tranquility though, I must establish (b) how I feel about and because of this person?

(a) I do not return their rudeness, attitude, and demeanor in kind.  Some of us may be tempted to do this, but most of us find this step fairly easy to complete, although it does cause us stress.  In any case, this is easier than the next part of my reaction to this jackass, and that leads to…

(b) I do not let their action affect my emotion, viewpoint and general attitude of the world around me.  This, I think, is the tough part.  It is by sheer force of will, by having complete awareness and exerting effort that I execute this very important step and maintain my tranquility and my virtue.  In many cases, I may need to maintain my interaction (e.g., a family member, an important client, my boss), so I may need use my mental will constantly.  In many cases, you may have the option to discontinue the interaction, and I do not discourage this if you have the option (for example, find a new job, look for new clients, etc.).  In any case, you must first decide whether a continued interaction is important to you; then regardless of what you decide, you maintain your tranquility through your own effort.

Sheer Force!

Sheer Force!

The bottom line here is that tranquility is yours to control, and this requires effort of will.  Your philosophy is there for you to use it in the toughest of times, and when these challenges arise you will be required to act according to what you know to be true:  that your virtue is maintained by you regardless of external influence.

To act according to what you know to be best is not always easy, but you must do so, no?

Ten Things I am Grateful For (Changing My Attitude)

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Happiness is a state of mind…blah, blah, blah, blah.   Great, thanks for the advice, how does that really help me?  Happiness is a state of mind?  Seriously how is that supposed to help me?  I know that!  The real question is, how do I change my mind?  More precisely, how do I change my state of mind to be happy.

Well, one way is to list things you are grateful for.  This morning I came up with a list of 10 things I am grateful for.  When I started, I wanted it to be a “Top 10” things I am grateful for, but as I kept thinking I realized that it would be difficult to say which things would be in the “top 10.”  In any case, these are the first 10 things I thought of.

  1. No Pain – Some people, when they open their eyes in the morning feel pain immediately.  Maybe in their joints, their back, their head, stomach, etc.  I am very fortunate.  As I age, I think I have more and more aches and pains, but I do not have anything I would classify as chronic pain.  I am very grateful that my body has yet to rebel on me.
  2. My Wife – I am grateful for my wife.  I do not want to be too sentimental here, although I could get that way.  I could write post after post of things I am grateful for about my wife.  For this list, however, I will limit my gratefulness to 2 major things about my wife that I am grateful for.  First, I am grateful that I managed to find someone who is comaptible enough with me that living with her is possible.  I take for granted, that many end up with a mate that is so incompatible that they are doomed to difficulty or divorce from the start.  Not so with my wife and I.  We have our differences certainly, but these are things we tweak here and there.  Next, is the fact that she gives a damn…about our relationship.  My wife loves and cares for US.   She makes an effort to build our relationship; when I make the effort she returns it, sometimes ten-fold.  I mention this because I often take this for granted.  She exerts effort to keep our relationship strong.  I know that this is not always the case with others.  Many people just give up on their relationships.
  3. Children (mine) – I have 5 children.  Each of them provides me with a different perspective on life.  In their own way, they each decipher the world for me through a different lens.  It is very difficult to put into words how each of them brings me joy and insight.  A little embarrassingly, they also make me very proud…I shouldn’t really have pride, should I?
  4. Food – It is not lost on me, that I have never had to worry about if I would get my next meal.  Certainly, not always a feast, but I have had some of those as well.
  5. Shelter – I have more than enough space, conditioned air, electricity, running safe water, and all the other amenities of a standard U.S. home.  I often think to myself that my residence would be considered a manor if I were to transport it back in time 100 years.  Take it further back, maybe 300 years, and it would be the grandest castle in all the world.  It’s amazing how lucky you can consider yourself when you think through the 4th dimension of time.
  6. My Mind – I am grateful that my reasoning faculties are intact.  This certainly may not last forever.  I have observed that my mind has indeed slowed down.  I have seen grandparents devolve into dementia (although from their perspective, this may actually be a blessing), and I can see others who have lost or are just losing their mind around me.
  7. Ice Cream – Do I really need to explain?  Sidenote:  I mix in peanut butter.  It’s weird and makes it even worse for me, but makes for a breathtaking occasional treat!  Also, ice cream is not food like in #4…it’s a completely different category.

    It's missing peanut butter.

    It’s missing peanut butter.

  8. Negative Examples – All around me, people are rude, proud, and lying.  They are violent, they don’t listen.  They judge me, in my opinion, without all the facts too soon.  They are ambitious to the point of greed and sometimes to obsession.  I am so grateful for this.  This is an opportunity for me to see my own dark side, to see it from outside of me.  When you see these things in another, you can address them in yourself…and use this as an antidote not to be like that.
  9. Life is a Path – I am glad that I was born basically knowing nothing.  I am glad that my parents taught me their view on life.  I am glad that society tried to teach me “norms.”  I am glad for organized religion, too.  Much of what I was taught I rejected, but I was challenged to do so on the path.  I am glad I once thought one way so strongly, in order that I was forced to defend my beliefs; as a result, I realized I was wrong.  So many thoughts, beliefs and philosophies I have had, all to lead to right now, which I am very grateful for.  …and the journey continues.Autumn Path C
  10. The Sun – I certainly take this for granted.  No matter what, the food you eat, the electricity we generate, the wood and steel we use, the plants….everything…all of Gaia…originates in the energy of the sun.  So perfectly placed from our planet, stable enough that it warms us and doesn’t fry us.  Close enough that we don’t freeze to death…it’s existence, simply amazing!

    Ball of energy!

    Ball of energy!

  11. The Internet – I guess this one is a bonus.  Used in moderation, the internet is a wonderful thing.  Information, communication, love, hate, play, business, fun…it’s a virtual world.  I am sure that if we never had the internet we would not miss it, but now that it is here, I really appreciate it.

So, in case you were wondering how to change your attitude and appreciate your world, there it is.  Maybe you are grateful for some of the things on my list, too.

How should I go?

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Taking a little detour here from “we.”  Going back to a “me” topic.  Well, maybe there is some “we” as well.  In any case…

Sometimes I wonder how I would prefer to meet my own death.  I don’t mean method of death.  Movie series like Final Destination or Saw, and countless others seem to gruesomely explore these possibilities.  It’s human nature to wonder about how we will die, that is what makes such movies alluring, but that is not I am talking about today.  What I am talking about is the “when.”  What I mean is I sometimes wonder how much time I would have from my knowing that I was dying to when I actually kicked the bucket.  If I go in a flash, I won’t be pondering my demise with acute urgency.  If I take years, indeed I would feel the pressure to tie up any loose ends.  It really doesn’t matter at this point, because I have no knowledge or control of how the end will come.  At this point, nobody has informed me that I have a terminal illness, or asked me to perform a life or death mission.  At this point, my death is completely in the hands of fate, and completely out of my control…completely unknown to me.  As far as I know, it is not imminent…although, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.


It seems that when it comes to my eventual death, there are two main issues I think I should focus on:

  1. Being Ready
  2. Loose Ends

Being Ready (Preparing for Death)

Shouldn’t I always be ready?  Isn’t that one of the essential tenets of living the philosophical life?  Shouldn’t I always be ready for my death?  What is the difference if a doctor tells me I have 2 months to live or not?  Aren’t I dying already?  I am in the process of death right now: my hair is graying, my stamina in just about everything is less than when I was 18, I can’t eat spicy food any more, I am unable to even tolerate eating ice cream (which I still love).  In short, these are all signs of my slow and eventual demise.  Nature is already telling me, “you are going to die.”  The only difference from that dreaded doctor news is the time span and the assumed authority (we tend to believe doctors when they tell us we aren’t going to make it, even though many defy the odds).

So, isn’t my goal to mentally be that doctor?  To stare myself down and say, “you only have about 40 more years to live, maybe less…maybe a LOT less.  It could be days, we just aren’t sure.  I’ve got to be upfront with you, there is a slight possibility that you might not make it through the day.”  It’s the truth, isn’t it?  Well, if I can admit that is the case, then shouldn’t I be ready.  Shouldn’t I always be aware that every moment is precious?  Absolutely!

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once."--Shakespeare

“The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once.”–Shakespeare

Loose Ends

Do I really need time to tie up loose ends?  When would be a good time to die?  Before my wife?  After?  After my kids are grown?  After they are married?  After grandchildren?  Great-grandchildren?  Certainly, after I purchase life insurance.  So many loose ends, and no way to tie them all up before I go, no matter how long I have.  And there is the heart of the matter…I cannot possibly tie up all the loose ends before I die.  Remember, that your life is on loan to you for the time that is allotted.  You can try and try, but there will always be more you may wish to have experienced.  For some, this life may be like that trip to Disney World, that they never want to end…but it must end, even though you wished you could have spent more time at the Magic Kingdom.

No matter how together you are.  No matter how prepared you are for your own death, there will always be things that are undone.  There will be loose ends.  In my case, I think my goal is to make that clear to those who might miss me.  First, I suppose is to ensure that they will miss me, by my action and character.  After that, I must remind them (albeit gently) that life will go on when I am gone.  Hopefully, some people will miss me, but most likely they will go on, maybe occasionally touched by the sadness of my departure, but mostly unaffected in their outlook on life despite my permanent absence.  This is my hope anyway, and I think for the most part, it is true.

There are two main points about loose ends.  First, that you will likely depart before you and others desire.  More importantly though, eventually most (perhaps all) will go on quite peacefully without you.  So, there will be loose ends, but I think most of them will be centered around your own desires to want a little more “magic.”  Most of those loose ends can be tied by someone else who remains.  Eventually, people will go to Disney without you.

This is how I should face my end:  Always ready, aware that there will be loose ends when I go, and that those loose ends will eventually be tied.

Really, Really Listening (“We” Part 2)

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So, how about REALLY listening to those around you?  Once you master that, then maybe you can go out and fix the world beyond. I cannot tell you how many times I have committed to doing this…to really listening.  I would compare this effort to speeding, when I was younger.  NOTE:  Now, I regularly drive about 5-7 MPH over the speed limit.  I do not do this for safety or because I think that the speed limits are correct.  It is just not worth it to me to get a ticket AND have my time wasted by a stop.  Anyway, back in the day I would speed EVERYWHERE, then I would get a ticket and drive around at speed limit-speeds for 6 months.  Eventually, my probation would expire and my carefulness would wear off.  Then, I would speed again.

This is a lot like how I listen in my life.  I am ALWAYS preoccupied with something (with a lot of things, actually).  My child, my wife, or a coworker will be talking to me and I suddenly realize that I was not listening.  Even worse, the talker will realize it and then ask, “Are you listening to me?”  BUSTED!  Whether I realize it or I am busted by the speaker, this is like getting that speeding ticket.  It is time to slow down and really listen.  But how do I do that?  My favorite way to do that is called Active Listening.

This is not active listening!

This is not active listening!

There are many way to actively listen, but here’s my technique:

  1. Stop what you are doing (no typing, watching TV, texting, writing, etc.).
  2. Turn and look at the speaker (as long as you are with the speaker).
  3. Really, really try to comprehend; stop thinking of other things.
  4. Do not formulate rebuttals in you mind.  Be open to what you hear.
  5. When there is a pause, repeat what the speaker is saying in your mind.
  6. When the message has been delivered, then you can paraphrase what the speaker has said to you:  “So let me see, what you are saying is…”
  7. Ask questions at opportune times, if you do not understand:  “One moment, did you mean that…?”
  8. Take the time afterward to reflect on what someone has told you.  If you are unclear, follow up with them.  This shows that you took the time to receive the message and have thought it through.

This is just one way to be virtuous with your “we.”  Your interactions with those closest to you define who you are.  If I am not listening to them, then I am not a good listener, and that does not honor those closest to me who are trying to communicate with me.

 

Sid’s Journey from Riches to Rags to Richness

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Siddhartha Gautama, let’s call him Sid, was disenchanted with his life.  More precisely, Sid was dismayed with the condition of life in general.  You see, Sid was a prince.  He was tended to by many servants whenever he needed them.  He was protected by his father (the king) from seeing the dreary world outside the palace.  Yet, Sid inherently longed to explore outside the walls.  He knew the world that had been manufactured for him was a lie.  Even with all the protection, and all the effort to make his life worry-free, he began to notice suffering.  He knew that truth started by looking at the world as it is, both good and bad.

Living in this palace might be nice, but would it bring happiness?

Living in this palace might be nice, but would it bring happiness?

When he began exploring outside the palace walls, he really started to see grief, suffering, and sickness.  If he had waited long enough he would have seen even more suffering within the palace walls.  Servants would have been missing. Why?  From death, sickness, unhappiness with their job?  His father would have eventually died or become sick.  Others he loved could have been cross for no apparent reason.  Sid might have taken a false step on a set of stairs, and he could have fallen and broken his back.  The fact that the story of Sid, who would become the Buddha, implies that he had to leave the palace to find real suffering makes me believe there is some amount of fairy tale to it.  The departure from the palace is required as an allegory or parable to symbolize that we have to “see” everything to understand.  Nonetheless, the story makes the point that no amount of veneer on life can cover up the fact that it is “nasty, brutish, and short” (Thanks to Hobbes).

I have gone through Sid’s story before.  You can read it here.  He went out to try and find the truth, to be enlightened.  At first, he came to the conclusion that since he was not happy with all his riches, he should renunciate luxuries to find true happiness.  He became an ascetic, and he lived on virtually nothing.  But I think he realized that living on barely anything is barely living.   Furthermore, because he was starving he lacked energy to see and think.  It wasn’t until he received nourishment of goat’s milk (see page 32 here), nearly dying, that he found the energy to realize the Four Noble Truths.

This young goat needs nourishment. You do, too.

This young goat needs nourishment. You do, too.

By experiencing both extremes, Sid realized that neither was appropriate for a virtuous life.  For this reason, I think, his enlightenment (his discovery of the truth of virtuous life) necessarily was defined by The Middle Way.  In other words, Buddhist morality is one of moderation while realizing there are luxuries and deprivation in life.  When The Buddha realized this, he found true richness in life

This is not so different from the Stoic view that I previously addressed in my last post.  The Middle Way is the Stoic Way as well.

To me, it makes a lot of sense, and it has worked for many years in my journey.  As always…

““Do Not Seek To Follow In The Footsteps Of The Wise. Seek What They Sought.”–Basho