Out of My Control…Even Me? On Sleep…

Posted on December 24, 2012 by Chris

Everything around me is out of my control. Sometimes, even my own body and mind are not mine. I wanted to sleep this morning until 9 am at least (it is my day off after all), except I awoke at 6:30 with my eyes wide open. I gave myself until 7 to go back to sleep. By 6:50, my mind was already filling with ideas. Sometimes, even my own psyche is out of my control. If I were a psychological guru, I suppose I could have forced myself back to sleep, or at least tried a little harder to relax. Wow, think about that statement for a moment: “try a little harder to relax”? Is that an oxymoron or what? It seems like many of us do a lot of that. We work at resting…hmmm.

Sleeeeeeeeep!

I think part of our effort to “work at relaxing” comes from the fact that we misunderstand what we can and cannot control. For example, perhaps I was misguided about whether I had a choice in the matter of sleeping. How many of us have convinced ourselves that we can “will” ourselves to sleep with our cerebral cortex only, while forgetting the other parts of our brain. We can just think ourselves to sleep…yeah, right!

Sleeeeep!

Also, let’s not forget about that circadian rhythm. In my case, my own sleep cycle complicates matters. You see, two nights ago I was called in to work all night: 7 pm to 7 am. I had the opportunity to nap during that time, but I had little meaningful sleep. When I returned from work, it was about 7:30 am and I was exhausted. I fell asleep on the spot. I awoke 6 hours later…not bad, but not that great either after being awake for basically 24 hours. I hardly felt refreshed by bed time, which turned out to be 1 am. Cycle–all–out–of–whack. Out of my control.

Sleep when tired.

So, even though I know I could have used more sleep, I only slept from 1 am to 6:30 am last night, and that’s that. So, that will be 2 rounds of 6 hours of sleep, in the last 48. Some people can live on this kind of sleep, but not me. I can accept this. Maybe I will get a little nap today. Notice the “maybe” in that statement. It is a very strong maybe; it implies a lack of control. I cannot control much of what the day has in store for me. I may have chores to do, my wife may have plans for me today, my children may need me right when I should be napping, or I may actually lay down to “saw some Z’s” and I won’t be able to get to sleep. Out of my control.

All things considered, I don’t feel that tired anyway…yet. At least I’ll get a full night sleep tonight. Oh wait, scratch that, it’s Christmas eve. Now there is something I can be sure about…that I WON’T get much sleep on Christmas eve, as a father of two young children. Up late playing Santa, up early enjoying their excitement.

Out of my control. Sometimes, like on Christmas eve and morning, it’s just fun being along for the ride. Possibly, I’m just excited for Christmas and that’s why I can’t sleep.

MAYBE that nap will be had tomorrow.

My Meditation on Dukkha (…a special kind of “dissatisfaction”)

Posted on December 20, 2012 by Chris

I am about to turn 43. Looking at that age written down, it looks like an old age. It’s not elderly, but it’s old. I always wanted to be 40. It’s the age where you’re still young enough to do things, most people have their health, but very few consider you a “kid.” You get respect at 40, while the degeneration process of the body and mind has not quite kicked in. 40 was my goal age.

The problem is that you don’t just get to stop at 40. Honestly, the 3 years since I turned 40 have flown by like an instant. The tick-tick-tick of time keeps moving. In many ways, my life is about like I expected it to be now. In other ways, it is completely off. I thought there would be satisfaction in being in my 40’s. Instead, there is a background of disappointment. The millions that weren’t made (or at least 10’s of thousands) despite the hard work, the places I haven’t visited, the children who are leaving to live their own lives….I want them to be little again. Where did the time go? In short, just like happens to many of us who keep saying “if only i were XXX, then I’ll be happy” or “if only had, XXX then I will slow down,” and then we finally get there, I am on to the next bit of grasping for more. We never really get there when we grasp for more…Dukkha. Dukkha is that dissatisfaction that you will always feel when you grasp at this reality, when you expect fulfillment from things of this world. You can never gain permanent satisfaction in this reality.

This background of dissatisfaction, I’ve felt this way before. It is the type of feeling that rushes in and makes me ask, “Is this all there is?” I started getting these feelings in my mid-20s; I think it was when the testosterone of teenage life wore off. In my 20’s, I had alcohol that confused the matter…lots of alcohol. All the while, I searched for truth. I found the teachings of the Buddha, and read about Dukkha. Buddhism recommended a drug-free existence. When I was 31, I decided that I could see things more clearly without alcohol. So, I stopped drinking it.

Without alcohol, I could see more clearly.

It was at that point that understanding came much faster. My motivation was much better, and my energy returned. I could see things clearer. Success in life began to accelerate; and I kept learning.

But that feeling kept returning, more powerful each time. As I tried to anchor myself in this world, it became less rational. Empty. There is no meaning in this perceived reality. It is emptiness.

As I age, it can be gut-wrenching. The dissatisfaction! Dukkha. I think as I age, the impermanence of existence is more obvious. I used to play the “I wonder what I’ll be doing in ten years” game. I don’t like to play that game anymore…53 is not an age I am in a rush to attain, nor do I wish for my children to each be 10 years older, and certainly not my parents. I can accept it, but I can wait for it…patiently. No hurry to speed through 10 years.

Dukkha indeed. Grasping at this life as if it were going to last forever. All that I see around me will be gone one day. All that I feel, all that I’ve worked for will be gone. All that I intend to work for in the next 10, 20, 30 years will eventually be gone. In 30 years I will be 73…if I make it to that age.

One of my goals…aging gracefully. (www.loosha.nl – ginny@loosha.nl)

When I slow down, breathe, and enjoy my existence now. When I read, write, reflect and feel, when I am present in the moment, the dissatisfaction fades. Writing, for me, is my meditation, and it is one of those times I feel most alive. It is my craft and it completes me. I think we all have one or more of those things we do that bring us back to the present moment.

When we are present in the moment, we are not grasping, and we find the end of dissatisfaction, and if we are sages we can escape Dukkha.

A Little Seneca…On Being Content

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Posted on December 10, 2012 by Chris

“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.” –Seneca

You Can Take a Staycation with only 5 Minutes…and its Free!

Posted on December 1, 2012 by Chris

“Men seek retreats for themselves, houses in the country, sea-shores, and mountains; and thou too art wont to desire such things very much. But this is altogether a mark of the most common sort of men, for it is in thy power whenever thou shalt choose to retire into thyself. For nowhere either with more quiet or more freedom from trouble does a man retire than into his own soul, particularly when he has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility.”–Marcus Aurelius

People spend a lot of money and time so they can get away on splendid vacations. They dream of places like Hawaii, Bermuda, St. Thomas, or maybe a get-away to Europe or Disney World! Why do they do this? I think everybody needs a little time to recharge the batteries, to gain a little clarity or put it all into perspective. Also, I think that the stories we collect from our “get-aways” can last us a lifetime.

For the most part, though, all of the benefit of a vacation is available to you right now. All you have to do is accept that it is all a game. It is all impermanent. Why are you chasing what you are chasing? To have luxury? So your kids will have riches or security? Will it help them? You might be unemployed, so you are stressed about that. You might have absolutely nothing. Most of you reading this have at least some level of subsistence, though. If you are reading this, at least you are alive, which is something for sure. Even those with some major struggles, have a little time for a vacation, even one for 5 minutes.

You can get away right now. Retire in your mind, and be grateful for all you have…for your life, your surviving family, the meal you will eat today. Take a nap, watch a show, read a book, watch a TV movie with the family. If only for a few minutes you can get away. Maybe simply to reflect on what is virtuous, or on the impermanence of existence.

Is this guy on a Staycation? (photo by Kimberly Vohsen)

As for vacation stories, your everyday life is full of them. Especially the small misfortune stories! These are the blessings. Like the time you backed into a pole, or your wife hit the side of the garage. What about the morning you put your shirt on inside-out or backwards? Yesterday, my daughter came down dressed in green-striped pants, with a pink and yellow checkered shirt. Now that’s a story! I collect vacations five minutes at a time.

I don’t think I could pull this look off.

In the end, you will be gone. Don’t let this frighten you, just know that what you are after, what you are stressing over might not be that important. Even if it is, you can take a break from it.

You can take your “Staycation.”

Important Things, Useless Things, and Beer

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Posted on November 21, 2012 by Chris

NOTE: There are several versions of this story. After researching, I am reasonably confident that the author is unknown (if you think you’ve found one, let me know). I’m sharing this version because of it’s humorous ending. I find it delivers an important lesson in the “wisdom to know the difference” train of thought.

“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty jar and proceeded to fill it with large stones. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the large stones. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. Although with less confidence, they agreed it was.

Full or not?

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.” The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now”, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The large stones are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions – things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the large stones. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the rubbish. Take care of the large stones first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand”.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that, no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”