I am a Failure! What Now?

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“0h Crito, if it thus pleases the gods, thus let it be. Anytus and Melitus may kill me indeed, but hurt me they cannot.” –Plato’s Crito

For my job, I am required to pass an evaluation.  I recently took one of these evaluations, and although I passed, I did not leave the lasting good impression that I had hoped to leave with my new boss.  As the new guy, this was my chance to break through, to develop a trust from my employer that would be one I could build upon.  That did not happen.  Instead, as one thing led to another I ended up performing badly enough during one portion that I now am “in a hole” that I must dig out of.  It left my evaluator, who just happens to be my boss, with a lack of confidence in my ability.  For all intents and purposes, I failed.

If at first you don't succeed...(photo by Ben Earwicker)

If at first you don’t succeed…(photo by Ben Earwicker)

So what can I, as a Heroic Stoic make of this?  Here are some thoughts.

1. Control

“What does not kill me, makes me stronger.” –Friedrich Nietzsche

Much of what happened on this particular evaluation was out my control:  the situation I was put in, my own fatigue, my lack of situational awareness of how difficult the particular task was, my inexperience on the job, my own talent at performing the job, not to mention the boss’s opinion on the seriousness of the errors I committed.  These are not excuses, this is a simple acknowledgment that there are certain things that I cannot control, when I face a failure.  These are things that test me, that make me better.  They improve my skills.  Clearly, if I have failed then I have reached some kind of limit…at least I know where it is now, and what to do next.

2. Picking Myself Up

“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.”–Dale Carnegie

(Photo by Cheryl Empey)

(Photo by Cheryl Empey)

This failure has afforded me the opportunity to reevaluate my own attitude and what I can do better in the future.  For example, in this case I have committed to be better at the tasks I did not do well.  I will commit to never make those errors again.  They may be my weaknesses, so I am set on bringing them up to par.  Often, failures can close doors and force you to go in a different direction…it may lead to a change in focus in your life.  A failure may make you realize that you are not cut out for a particular task, and a new door will open.  It this is you, be on the lookout for it.

3. Worry (That is, Worrying About Fate)

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” –Marcus Aurelius

I could worry about how this will affect my future.  How will this affect my work environment?  Will the boss be looking for my mistakes now?  Will it affect any raises I get?  What happens if I make another mistake?  Could I lose my job?  All these things are possible, but they will largely be controlled by fate.  There is no reason to worry about these things.  What to be concerned about are the things I can control.  I need to do the best job I possibly can.  Will I make mistakes? Sure.  Will I have to prove myself? Most definitely.  All I can do is the best I can do…it is the only way to be virtuous.

4. Pride

“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.”   George Burns

It is better to have tried at something I am committed to, than to not have tried at all.  Along the way, there will be failures for things that are worth it.  Failures don’t mean the end, and failures while doing something you love are worth it.  It is my pride in my craft that will motivate me to be better…to be excellent!

Failing at something he loves?

Failing at something he loves?

“I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can’t accept not trying.” –Michael Jordan

Anchor #1: Compassion

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If you’ve read any of my entries, you know that an awareness of suffering is key to my own journey of living a virtuous life.  Whether it is through Stoicism, Buddhism, Zen, or any other philosophy I have taken as my own, I strive to remain cognizant that everywhere people struggle.  The nature of our world can be violent; it is all around us.

Much of the time, we can be wrapped up in our own world.  My problems, my money, my lifestyle, etc.  But all around us there are others with problems.  By making yourself aware of these problems, you open your mind to caring about others.  As a bonus, awareness that suffering is indeed common to all of humanity puts your own personal strife in perspective. In short, as you view your own problems and struggles, as well as all those around you, you then see them as a constant in all of the human condition.

Suffering everywhere, plenty of room for compassion

However, being aware of suffering is only the beginning.  To feel compassion is to care about the sufferer.  When I meditate on compassion, I begin to feel the struggles of those around me.  Turn on the news, take note of one or two stories of grief.  It won’t take long to find them, because the news is full of them.  Alternately, you can think of your friends and family and their struggles: sickness, accidents, hunger, poverty, mental illness, loss of job.  Do you have sympathy for them?  Of course.  Do you want to comfort them?  Yes.  Now you are showing compassion.

Don’t you deserve some compassion, too?  Well, absolutely.  What about your worst fears, your phobias, your inner struggles?  You have them.  I know you have them, because everybody does.  However, these struggles are yours.  Do you deserve compassion?  Absolutely!

You can begin with compassion for yourself, as if you were another, then you can start to direct your compassion outward.  As you start to feel compassion for others who suffer, you become free from self.  As you start to focus outward, you become motivated to act for the sake of others, rather than for your own sake.  This is refreshing, and it leads us to virtue.

So let’s meditate on compassion.

As you continue to read this post, please slow down, s-l-o-w–d-o-w-n, breathe in……….then breathe out.  Now…close your eyes…notice your breath, inhale, exhale…

…think of all your struggles, and any sadness you may have.  Now follow your breath, inhaling and exhaling.  Show yourself compassion as if you were another, mentally pat your own back and say, “I understand” to yourself.  Show yourself compassion because you deserve it.  You may show compassion for yourself as long as you wish in this reflection, and you can take as long as you need until you are ready to show compassion for those around you.

Now, take a person you know closely and mentally give them a long comforting hug.  Don’t forget your breath…inhale, exhale.  Maintain your “hug,” and tell this suffering person that “I know how you feel” or “I can empathize with your plight.”  Close your eyes, and continue to psychically hug them…hold them for a long time, and feel their pain.  That’s compassion.  You can continually do this over and over.  You can start with those close to you, move on to casual acquaintances, then maybe move on to those you don’t know (like someone in the news).  Each time you go back and start over with your “mental hug” expand your compassion outward.

Give Somebody a Hug! Anybody!

Possibly, you can broaden your scope.  Feel the world around you, as you inhale and exhale.  Gently and easily repeat “compassion” over and over.  Maybe you have someone who you disagree with, is just plain disagreeable, or someone who is your enemy.  Do you think they suffer from some malady?  Feel compassion for them and their suffering as you inhale, then as you exhale…”compassion.”

You can continue this as long as you’d like.  I hope it helps you with your compassion…and on your quest for virtue.

What if You Lost Everything?

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I recently finished “A Man in Full” by Tom Wolfe.  It is a great, long novel for a Heroic Stoic to read.  One of the great questions that are posed to the reader of this book is, “What if you lost everything?”   What if you lost all of your possessions, your family, your health, your reputation, or any combination of these?  I think it is healthy to mentally prepare for the possibility.

Try imagining your life without any of these things: 1) everything you own 2) your spouse or children 3) or your ability to walk, see, hear, etc.

Try actually depriving yourself, maybe even for a day, of something you take for granted:  1) shoes 2) air conditioning 3) electricity 4) solid food.

These practices will help you in a time when maybe you might need to deal with similar situations, a situation that is not so severe, AND it will help you appreciate those things that you have.

What if you were a pan-handler on the street, would it be as bad as you think?

“Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned it.  Is your child dead?  It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a return. Are you deprived of your estate?  Is not this also a return?”  – Epictetus

The Coming Catastrophe!

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“All existing things soon change, and they will either be reduced to vapour, if indeed all substance is one, or they will be dispersed.” Meditations by Marcus Aurelius

One of the key elements of Stoicism is the concept of fate. Tragedy will befall you in some way, it is certain. Nobody really knows what fate has in store for them. It could be any number of good or bad fortunes.

So the other day I read THIS ARTICLE by Holly Drennan Deyo at LewRockwell.com. It’s about preparing for a food crisis, and why I should do so. At first read, the article seems a little alarmist. I mean really, what are the odds we have a famine in this country? Seriously, do you know the odds? Hey, YOU, I am asking you the question…seriously: DO YOU KNOW THE ODDS OF A FAMINE IN THIS COUNTRY? I know the only answer that can be given: You don’t know the odds, I don’t know the odds, even the experts are unlikely to know the likelihood of a widespread famine where you live.

Could this be you? Is it possible?

The point that I want to make is not that this catastrophe is probable, but that indeed it is possible. Maybe it is not likely, or maybe it is extremely likely. This is a calculation for each of us to make. My calculation is that the chance is greater than any of us would like to admit, that food prices may soar through the roof. As a result, it might be extremely difficult for me to purchase what I need to feed myself and my family in the future (I don’t grow my own…yet).

As a Stoic, I feel fairly confident I am ready for this possibility mentally. As a Hero, I am way underprepared in physical terms. As a Stoic, I know the possible catastrophe ahead is completely out of my control. My preparation for it, however, is mostly in my control. I say mostly because, of course, I have limited resources to survive now, I have limited capacity to estimate how much time I might have, or how drastic the “catastrophe” will be, or if my wife thinks this is something to worry about enough to prepare for (we are currently in negotiation about what catastrophe preparation is appropriate . I don’t think we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but certainly we have not come to an agreed upon strategy. UPDATE: I just read this post to her and she says we are definitely on opposite ends of the spectrum. The negotiation continues…). In essence, I must gamble with time and current resources on the possibility. Additionally, I must cooperate with those in my life on an agreed upon way ahead.

…or are you thinking of this? (a Margan Zajdowicz photo)

…or this? (by LotusHead, www.pixelpusher.co.za)


For now, let’s return to Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. Read this one slowly, with the possibility of the coming famine in mind. You must read the whole thing but really let the last line sink in:

“None of these things ought to be called a man’s, which do not belong to a man, as man. They are not required of a man, nor does man’s nature promise them, nor are they the means of man’s nature attaining its end. Neither then does the end of man lie in these things, nor yet that which aids to the accomplishment of this end, and that which aids towards this end is that which is good. Besides, if any of these things did belong to man, it would not be right for a man to despise them and to set himself against them; nor would a man be worthy of praise who showed that he did not want these things, nor would he who stinted himself in any of them be good, if indeed these things were good. But now the more of these things a man deprives himself of, or of other things like them, or even when he is deprived of any of them, the more patiently he endures the loss, just in the same degree he is a better man.“

Your thoughts and comments, please!