Tag Archives: philosophy

Out of My Control…Even Me? On Sleep…

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Everything around me is out of my control.  Sometimes, even my own body and mind are not mine.  I wanted to sleep this morning until 9 am at least (it is my day off after all), except I awoke at 6:30 with my eyes wide open.   I gave myself until 7 to go back to sleep.  By 6:50, my mind was already filling with ideas.  Sometimes, even my own psyche is out of my control.  If I were a psychological guru, I suppose I could have forced myself back to sleep, or at least tried a little harder to relax.  Wow, think about that statement for a moment:  “try a little harder to relax”?  Is that an oxymoron or what?  It seems like many of us do a lot of that.  We work at resting…hmmm.

Sleeeeeeeeep!

Sleeeeeeeeep!

I think part of our effort to “work at relaxing” comes from the fact that we misunderstand what we can and cannot control.  For example, perhaps I was misguided about whether I had a choice in the matter of sleeping.  How many of us have convinced ourselves that we can “will” ourselves to sleep with our cerebral cortex only, while forgetting the other parts of our brain.  We can just think ourselves to sleep…yeah, right!

Sleeeeep!

Sleeeeep!

Also, let’s not forget about that circadian rhythm.  In my case, my own sleep cycle complicates matters.  You see, two nights ago I was called in to work all night:  7 pm to 7 am.  I had the opportunity to nap during that time, but I had little meaningful sleep.  When I returned from work, it was about 7:30 am and I was exhausted.  I fell asleep on the spot.  I awoke 6 hours later…not bad, but not that great either after being awake for basically 24 hours.  I hardly felt refreshed by bed time, which turned out to be 1 am.  Cycle–all–out–of–whack.  Out of my control.

Sleep when tired.

Sleep when tired.

So, even though I know I could have used more sleep, I only slept from 1 am to 6:30 am last night, and that’s that.  So, that will be 2 rounds of 6 hours of sleep, in the last 48.  Some people can live on this kind of sleep, but not me.  I can accept this.  Maybe I will get a little nap today.  Notice the “maybe” in that statement.  It is a very strong maybe; it implies a lack of control.  I cannot control much of what the day has in store for me.  I may have chores to do, my wife may have plans for me today, my children may need me right when I should be napping, or I may actually lay down to “saw some Z’s” and I won’t be able to get to sleep.  Out of my control.

All things considered, I don’t feel that tired anyway…yet.  At least I’ll get a full night sleep tonight.  Oh wait, scratch that, it’s Christmas eve.  Now there is something I can be sure about…that I WON’T get much sleep on Christmas eve, as a father of two young children.  Up late playing Santa, up early enjoying their excitement.

Out of my control.  Sometimes, like on Christmas eve and morning, it’s just fun being along for the ride.  Possibly, I’m just excited for Christmas and that’s why I can’t sleep.

MAYBE that nap will be had tomorrow.

 

Merry Christmas…Stoic Style

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If life were a race around a track, Christmas seems to be when I get my split time.  Like in a NASCAR race, I find that Christmas is my time to check where I stand in my life.  It is when I pass the pole.  If life is a series of fence posts that I pass on my journey, then Christmas is that familiar landmark, that pink and purple mailbox that I pass that awakens me to the fact that I have made progress…at least progress toward something.

Santa making Stoic progress.

Santa making Stoic progress.

More than any other time, more than my birthday, more than New Year’s day, more than any other day, Christmas time turns me toward reflection.  All of my living loved ones either are with me, or communicate with me.  All of those I have lost, come back to me in my memories as well.  I see all of the change in everyone’s families in their Christmas cards.  I pause to see my children celebrate again, but they are all one year older.

“…nights growing colder
Children growing up, old friends growing older
Freeze this moment a little bit longer
Make each sensation a little bit stronger
Experience slips away…
The innocence slips away”  –Neil Peart (from the song “Time Stands Still” lyricis for the rock band Rush)  See it and hear it, here.

A time for reflection.

A time for reflection. (photo:  Wong Mei Teng)

I observe myself as well.  I can remember my attitude about the Holiday throughout the years, and how it has changed.  I observe how I fit into the grand scheme of others’ lives.  It’s always a little different every year.  Former close friends are more distant, new friends are closer, relationships are rekindled from the past as well.

As Marcus Aurelius reflects in his Meditations:  “Is any man afraid of change? Why what can take place without change? What then is more pleasing or more suitable to the universal nature? And canst thou take a bath unless the wood undergoes a change? And canst thou be nourished, unless the food undergoes a change? And can anything else that is useful be accomplished without change? Dost thou not see then that for thyself also to change is just the same, and equally necessary for the universal nature?”

Christmas is a time when I slow down.  It is an excellent opportunity to dwell in the present moment, but also one to observe that time marches on, with or without us.  That’s why how I spend my time is very important if I am to be a man of virtue.

My Meditation on Dukkha (…a special kind of “dissatisfaction”)

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I am about to turn 43.  Looking at that age written down, it looks like an old age.  It’s not elderly, but it’s old.  I always wanted to be 40.  It’s the age where you’re still young enough to do things, most people have their health, but very few consider you a “kid.”  You get respect at 40, while the degeneration process of the body and mind has not quite kicked in.  40 was my goal age.

The problem is that you don’t just get to stop at 40.  Honestly, the 3 years since I turned 40 have flown by like an instant.  The tick-tick-tick of time keeps moving.  In many ways, my life is about like I expected it to be now.  In other ways, it is completely off.  I thought there would be satisfaction in being in my 40’s.  Instead, there is a background of disappointment.  The millions that weren’t made (or at least 10’s of thousands) despite the hard work, the places I haven’t visited, the children who are leaving to live their own lives….I want them to be little again.  Where did the time go?  In short, just like happens to many of us who keep saying “if only i were XXX, then I’ll be happy” or “if only had, XXX then I will slow down,” and then we finally get there, I am on to the next bit of grasping for more.  We never really get there when we grasp for more…Dukkha.  Dukkha is that dissatisfaction that you will always feel when you grasp at this reality, when you expect fulfillment from things of this world.  You can never gain permanent satisfaction in this reality.

This background of dissatisfaction, I’ve felt this way before.  It is the type of feeling that rushes in and makes me ask, “Is this all there is?”  I started getting these feelings in my mid-20s; I think it was when the testosterone of teenage life wore off.  In my 20’s, I had alcohol that confused the matter…lots of alcohol.  All the while, I searched for truth.  I found the teachings of the Buddha, and read about Dukkha.  Buddhism recommended a drug-free existence.  When I was 31, I decided that I could see things more clearly without alcohol.  So, I stopped drinking it.

Without alcohol, I could see more clearly.

Without alcohol, I could see more clearly.

It was at that point that understanding came much faster.  My motivation was much better, and my energy returned.  I could see things clearer.  Success in life began to accelerate; and I kept learning.

But that feeling kept returning, more powerful each time.  As I tried to anchor myself in this world, it became less rational.  Empty.  There is no meaning in this perceived reality.  It is emptiness.

As I age, it can be gut-wrenching.  The dissatisfaction!  Dukkha.  I think as I age, the impermanence of existence is more obvious.  I used to play the “I wonder what I’ll be doing in ten years” game.  I don’t like to play that game anymore…53 is not an age I am in a rush to attain, nor do I wish for my children to each be 10 years older, and certainly not my parents.  I can accept it, but I can wait for it…patiently.  No hurry to speed through 10 years.

Dukkha indeed.   Grasping at this life as if it were going to last forever.   All that I see around me will be gone one day.  All that I feel, all that I’ve worked for will be gone.  All that I intend to work for in the next 10, 20, 30 years will eventually be gone.  In 30 years I will be 73…if I make it to that age.

One of my goals...aging gracefully.

One of my goals…aging gracefully. (www.loosha.nl – ginny@loosha.nl)

When I slow down, breathe, and enjoy my existence now.  When I read, write, reflect and feel, when I am present in the moment, the dissatisfaction fades.  Writing, for me, is my meditation, and it is one of those times I feel most alive.  It is my craft and it completes me.  I think we all have one or more of those things we do that bring us back to the present moment.

When we are present in the moment, we are not grasping, and we find the end of dissatisfaction, and if we are sages we can escape Dukkha.

Some Equanimity by the Numbers

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Here are some thoughts and random numbers I will throw around.  Hopefully this will give you some perspective on your reality.  I recently read that it is estimated that there are 200 billion stars in the Milky Way galaxy (that’s 200,000,000,000).  Each cell in the human body contains 20 trillion (20,000,000,000,000) atoms.  Moreover, you are composed of about 100 trillion cells.  So if you do the math, which you might be a little intimidated by, you end up with 2 x 1027 atoms that compose your body (That’s 2 followed by 27 zeros).

It's a big universe!

It’s a big universe!

Impressive numbers, no?  What if you could travel 2 x 1027 miles in space?  Where would that get you?  Well, 1 light-year is 5.9 × 1012 miles, and a reasonable estimate is that our universe is probably bigger than 40 billion light-years..  This means that the edge of the universe is 7.7 x 1025 miles away.  If you wanted to travel as many miles as there are atoms in your body, you just might reach the edge of the universe…maybe further, if there is anything beyond it.

Of course if you could travel at the speed of light (which you couldn’t) it would take you 40 billion years, so you’d probably run out of time.  By comparison, if 40 billion years were considered one year, your life span of 70 years would be 0.05 seconds of that year.

So just how small are atoms?  Click on the atom below to find out:

Atom

Click on the atom and see just how small it is.

I hope this gives you some perspective!

Oh, and somebody check my math…thanks.

On Tragedy, Death and Evil…a Stoic’s View

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“Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don’t view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.” –Epictetus

One cannot help but read the headlines and hear of tragic events all around us.  Most recently, in the U.S. State of Connecticut, a very unstable young man of 20 chose to randomly shoot anyone he could in an elementary school.  He cared not that his victims were young and innocent, or who they were.  In the end, 20 young children and 8 adults were killed in a matter of minutes, including the shooter.  28 sentient beings have been “returned.”  For 20 of them, their time here was a short one.

Unfortunately, what happened in Connecticut is not unique.  While I would be hesitant to say that mass murder is a common occurrence, we would be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge that its existence parallels that of all of humanity’s time on earth.  It is difficult to understand for the large majority of peace-loving and life-respecting individuals, why such things happen.  Some mass-murderers are evil, others are delusional.  Still others, like Genghis Khan below (AD 1162-1227), even think they are justified by some purpose, but for the victims the result is the same.

Ghengis Kahn: figures estimate he killed up to 40 million. Public Domain photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:YuanEmperorAlbumGenghisPortrait.jpg

Genghis Khan: figures estimate he killed up to 40 million. (Public Domain photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:YuanEmperorAlbumGenghisPortrait.jpg)

Because such things do happen, and probably always will, I must acknowledge this:  It can happen.  It can happen to you, your children, or your spouse.  It can happen today.  It may happen 15 seconds from now.

Which brings me to one (although there could be many others) very important point about what we can learn from such an event:  The existence of all is temporary.  The existence of your children, your parents, friends, spouse, and you.  All temporary!  Acknowledging this should not be depressing.  Rather, it should motivate you to cherish every moment with them.  Appreciate them now, not when they are gone.

But to drive home this point, I will share an observation I had about what I saw on social media yesterday about the Connecticut shootings.  Over and over, I read things like, “I am going to hug my little ones a little tighter tonight,” “my child had a drill about this very thing at school, it made me cry,” or “With everything that happened today, we are having a family night. It’s all I could think about as the day progressed. I just want my kids close.”  Furthermore, I personally couldn’t help but picture my own grief had I lost my child in such a tragedy.  I think we all tend to do this.  We project a tragedy into our own life.  This is not a bad thing; it is how we empathize with others.  Should we really need a reminder, though?

You do not expect that this will be the last time you see your child.

You do not expect that this will be the last time you see your child.

Our goal then, is to understand that those we love in our lives are not ours.  Even our own lives, in the end, are not ours.  Every moment we spend is on loan, and the lease will expire at some point.  We don’t know when, where or how, but it will end for all.  This existence is borrowed.  The sage of virtue knows this at all times…few of us are sages, but that is what we strive for.  When I acknowledge the impermanence of all, then I relish every moment with those I love, and indeed I carefully examine how I spend my own time.

So, hug your loved ones a little tighter EVERY night, and try not to be reminded only when tragedy jolts you into awareness.  That is the philosopher’s goal.