Tag Archives: love

How Can I be a Hero? Ten Things to Try Now!

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“Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.” –Kansas

“We are the champions my friend, and we’ll keep on fighting til the end!” –Queen

Fate and impermanence are powerful concepts.  I’ve dwelled upon them in my previous posts…just about all of them, in fact.  You can find examples of this here, here, and here.  If I am destined for failure, doomed to death, and my world will eventually crumble before me, what’s the point?  Should I just throw in the towel?  If we are all destined for misery, then why should I even try?

Should I just give up?

No, no, no!  That is not my point!  It is true that much struggle, much strife will befall us.  It is also true that your existence, as well as that of all around you will be gone in no time.  Face it, in about 100 years it will all be new people.  100 years…that’s a blink of an eye in the continuum of the 13.7 billion (or so) the universe has existed.  For comparison, think of the age of the universe as a year.  If you live to be 100 years, your life span would be less than second in that year (actually, about 0.23 seconds).  So if our time is so short, then what does that mean?  What is it you want to do with those 100 years…with that blink of your existence?  How can I be a hero?  Here are some suggestions:

13.7 Billion Years!

  1. Make Something – Set yourself to building, or creating.  Build your child a treehouse, build a business.  Create art, music or poetry.  Design a widget to make someone’s life better.  Leave a legacy…for your own sake.
  2. Help Someone – You can volunteer at a soup kitchen, be a crossing guard, find a career where you can help someone…as a doctor, nurse, architect.  Be a banker, but bank with passion and compassion to make a difference in your world (not the ENTIRE world, just yours).
  3. Become a Master– Master the piano, brain surgery, flying a helicopter, fixing motorcycles.

    Master Brain Surgery!

    It may take years, it may take much of your time, but find something you love and master it!  It will make you proud, it will be worth it.

  4. Love Someone – Take a chance on an old relationship gone bad, maybe it is with your mother, father, brother, ex-husband, or an old friend.   Take a chance on telling someone how you feel…someone who might not know it…maybe it’s that huge crush, or a friend who doesn’t know about your romantic feelings.
  5. Love Everybody – You don’t need to trust everybody all the time, but you can give them a chance.  “Respect all, measure each.”  Most of those around you struggle to hold their ground in this wrestling match called life, and many are doing it honestly.  Have compassion for them today.
  6. “Be” with Someone – When you are with someone you love, pay attention to them.  Really listen.  Feel their feelings.  Empathize with them.  When you interact with anyone reallypay attention.  Be with them in the moment.

    Listen!

    You will notice more if you really pay attention.  Remember, you only have 100 years so use every moment wisely.

  7. Appreciate this Day– What kind of day is it?  The warm sun, the cold breeze, the wet rain, the cold snow…appreciate them all.  Take a deep breath…notice how it feels so refreshing as it replenishes your oxygen stores.  If 100 years is .23 seconds, then 1 day is 0.0000063 seconds.  Sands in the hourglass, no?
  8. Teach – Share what you know with someone.  Share your talents, pass on your skills to the next generation, or your current community.
  9. Reach a Goal – Finish that marathon, lose 10 pounds, golf below 80.  Finish college (just make it a degree worth pursuing)!  The pursuit makes life interesting.
  10. Relax – Yes, just take a break once in a while.  Maybe you could use a “staycation.”

No need to try them all, although you could in a 100 years, but maybe just try a few.  So, even though fate will have its way with you, you can take it on with tenacity.  You can be a hero if you put yourself to it.

…and you can be proud of it, because YOU made the effort!

Important Things, Useless Things, and Beer

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NOTE:  There are several versions of this story.  After researching, I am reasonably confident that the author is unknown (if you think you’ve found one, let me know).  I’m sharing this version because of it’s humorous ending.  I find it delivers an important lesson in the “wisdom to know the difference” train of thought.

“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty jar and proceeded to fill it with large stones. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the large stones. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. Although with less confidence, they agreed it was.

Full or not?

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.” The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now”, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The large stones are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions – things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.  The sand is everything else – the small stuff.  If you put the sand into the jar first” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the large stones. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the rubbish. Take care of the large stones first, the things that really matter.  Set your priorities. The rest is just sand”.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.  The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that, no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

There is always room for beer.

My thoughts on this in the next post…but first some “food” for thought (read the caption):

Isn’t there room for cookies, as well?

 


Lovingkindness: Gandhi, World Peace, and Family Happiness

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I woke up this morning ready for a fight.  I had some left over resentment from a disagreement I had with someone very close to me…my lovely wife to be perfectly honest.  All the while, I began to prepare for my next post about lovingkindness.  Oh the Irony!  To write about loving all sentient beings with unconditional love, yet holding back even a little to those close to you.   It doesn’t make much sense does it?   And yet, it happens all the time; while we are severe with those close to us, we put on the “happy” mask and interact with civility and agreement with complete strangers.

This got me to thinking (yes, here I go again).  Did Gandhi ever just wake up and decide to be a pain in the rear to those around him that day?  This question sent me on an internet journey to find out.  In retrospect, traveling down THAT rabbit hole consumed far too much of my time, but I finished the journey to my liking and learned a thing or two.  As it turns out, I found this internet entry where it explains that, “[Gandhi] was exceptionally demanding of himself, and demanding of those closest to him.  Whereas he displayed loving kindness to virtually everyone, with his family he could be quite severe.” I also found this Wikipedia entry about Kasturba Gandhi, his wife.  While the article was fair, I think you might come to the conclusion that Mr. Gandhi’s domestic life was far from serene.

After even further internet research, I discovered two very important concepts about Gandhi, the peace-warrior:

  1. Gandhi’s family life was very complicated, and it seems no different than many of our own internal family issues.  In fact, it may be that his extreme views and justice efforts made his family worse for the wear.
  2. Don’t go to the Internet for information if you want a straight answer.  There is a lot of unverified and conflicting stuff.

OK, the second one was not really about Gandhi, was it?  In any case, I think I have come to some closure on this Gandhi question.  If my current view of Gandhi is correct, that he spent far more energy on justice for his community than on tranquility in his home, then I do not want to emulate everything about him.  I think he missed a key portion of “how to live” if he did not convey lovingkindness to his wife and children, as he worked for peace in the macro sense.

In fact, there may be some validity in the idea that tranquility and lovingkindness begin at home.  I have often struggled with the concept of how difficult it would be to attain world peace, when I think about how difficult it is for those who are very close (like family) to come to be “at peace” with each other.  Marriage statistics alone tell part of the story.  In the U.S., around 45% of first marriages end in divorce (see http://www.divorcestatistics.org).  This does not even include those who never get married because they gave up, or those who stay married even if their relationship is violent, miserable, or fattening (I just put “fattening” in to see if you were paying attention).  Rhetorically I must ask, how many brothers and sisters don’t speak to each other?  How many father – son relationships are estranged?  Where is the love?

So what is the point, if I should have one?  I think the big take away is that “we” as humans have a long way to go to showing true lovingkindness.  I know “I” certainly do.  How can we show lovingkindness to all those around the world, when there is so much work to do with those we are closest to?  This REALLY seems like bad news!  Indeed, it is the bad news.

Now for the GOOD news!  Because there is such a gap between the kind of lovingkindness we strive to attain and what the reality of the situation is, creating more of it in your life is LOW HANGING FRUIT.  It should be very easy to send out even a little more to those close to us.

Well, as for my agitation with my wife, it’s gone; it was just silly.  In the end, it was more my faulty interpretation of things that really created the problem…I’m over it, except that I’m a little embarrassed about feeling that way.  As for the rest of my day, I am committing myself to conveying lovingkindness to those closest to me.  World peace will have to wait.

I am not worrying about “World Peace” today.

Will you join me?

Anchor #7: Lovingkindness

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Lovingkindness (Metta) is sometimes shortened (even by me) to love.  This is fine; it’s easier to remember, but I think to absorb the true meaning of lovingkindness you have to remember that it is so much more than “love.”

Not this Metta!

Lovingkindness is to wish good will and happiness to all sentient beings.  First and foremost of these are humans…not because they deserve it, but probably because they don’t.  Seriously, when is the last time a bison or a worm ticked you off?  In other words, people can be much harder to express lovingkindness to, precisely because they are so complex.  That darn neocortex (see triune brain)!

In any case, the lovingkindness I focus on is that for those in the human species.  Like compassion or sympathetic joy, you can express it for

  1. Yourself
  2. Those you already love
  3. Those you don’t know
  4. Those you can’t stand
  5. Those you absolutely hate (you know there are a few, yes?)

As soon as you master these five, then maybe you can expand towards all sentient beings.

Lovingkindness is not that Eros kind of love, where the passion is returned.  It is a selfless love extending out as brotherly (remember philia?) love, and then all-embracing unconditional love, possibly an agape (godly) love.

You can meditate and wish lovingkindness to your world, person by person, being by being.

It all starts with a quiet moment and contemplation…

(Feature “Hands” photo by Penny Mathews)

7 Meditation Anchors

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Am I being virtuous?  Am I focusing on what is important?  What follows are what I call my Seven Meditation Anchors.  During times of relaxation (before bed, with morning coffee, or even when I think I need to relax–e.g. heavy traffic or when family has driven me to the limit).  I use these 7 anchors to help me come back to what is important.  Sometimes I focus on one of them, other times I meditate on each in turn.  I rarely meditate for longer than 15 minutes.

Thanks, Siddhartha!

For those familiar with Zen/Buddhism, four of these, Compassion, Love, Joy, Equanimity will have a vaguely familiar look…the Four Sublime States are a cornerstone of my anchors.  They are what I call the spiritual/emotional anchors.  They speak to the cerebellum, the medulla, the spiritual/ancestral (limbic and reptillian) brain.

The remaining three, Understanding, Patience, and Persistence, I consider rational anchors.   They speak to the cerebrum (Neocortex), or thinking brain. They elicit cause and effect, and help with the “why’s” of what to focus on.

So, here they are with a short description for each.  Don’t worry, I will expand upon each in the upcoming days.  (Rationals are blue, Spirituals are green)

  • Compassion – is to feel the suffering of others.
  • Understanding – is to put yourself into another’s mind, or into a situation and really think about what you would do
  • Patience – is to understand that things take time, despite large amounts of effort
  • Persistence – if things take time, then great effort is required over and over and over…
  • Joy – is not just joy, but sympathetic joy.  This is to revel in the good fortune of others…the opposite of envy
  • Equanimity – is the ability to see things as they are, from a distance, to be the water and not the waves (see Passionate Equanimity)
  • Love – as in Lovingkindness; this is love without possessing, without judging, without expecting it in return, it is to love as if a god

Note:  You may be wondering why these are listed in this particular order.  It’s a simple practical decision for me:  it’s because in this order, they spell CUPP-JEL, which I can remember easily.  None is more important than another, in my opinion (see last paragraph of my credentials here).  You might choose to start with the “rationals” and finish with the “spirituals,” or vice versa (that would spell UPPJELC). For all I care, use PLUC-JEP.