Tag Archives: joy

How You Can be Happy Forever!

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“I search myself first, and then the world about me.”–Seneca

Seneca captures so much with these words.  Happiness is indeed a state of mind.  We expect our happiness to be affected by external factors, and it certainly can.  There is no denying that our environment affects our happiness.  Meeting someone new, being proposed to for marriage, getting a pay raise, getting together with friends and relatives can all make us very happy, at least for a while.  How about these:  a successful business venture, getting a new job, completing a project, even winning the lottery?  All of these things can affect our view on life and our happiness, too.  However, I repeat, none of them bring permanent contentment.  That kind of happiness requires introspection, continuous mindfulness and effort.

If only you could meet her, you would be happy.

If only you could meet her, you would be happy.(Photo by Belovodchenko Anton)

Certainly we can enjoy the external joys in life, but just like saving for a rainy day we should realize that all of these external things are ephemeral.  Their happiness effect will fade eventually.  It is during these times of joy that we should build our happiness capital.  The perspective that the reflective, philosophical life gives us can help us build this capital.  In the end, happiness is an internal function.  We choose to be happy or not.

This is very important because not only do those external happiness drivers not always exist, but in fact there will also be many external things that make us unhappy.  Do I need to list them?  Take all of the things I mentioned above and reverse them.  Here we go: losing an old friend, getting a divorce, taking a pay cut, missing your friends and relatives, a failed business venture, being fired, failing to complete a project.  Finally, you may have your heart set on winning the lottery, and never win a dime.  You could even win and then be poisoned! (click for full story)

Poison!

Poison!

Your philosophy is your happiness shock absorber.  Your perspective, your equanimity is yours to control.  Look within for change, and look within for answers.  Seneca is right!

You Can Take a Staycation with only 5 Minutes…and its Free!

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“Men seek retreats for themselves, houses in the country, sea-shores, and mountains; and thou too art wont to desire such things very much. But this is altogether a mark of the most common sort of men, for it is in thy power whenever thou shalt choose to retire into thyself. For nowhere either with more quiet or more freedom from trouble does a man retire than into his own soul, particularly when he has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility.”–Marcus Aurelius

People spend a lot of money and time so they can get away on splendid vacations.  They dream of places like Hawaii, Bermuda, St. Thomas, or maybe a get-away to Europe or Disney World!  Why do they do this?  I think everybody needs a little time to recharge the batteries, to gain a little clarity or put it all into perspective.  Also, I think that the stories we collect from our “get-aways” can last us a lifetime.

For the most part, though, all of the benefit of a vacation is available to you right now.  All you have to do is accept that it is all a game.  It is all impermanent.  Why are you chasing what you are chasing?  To have luxury? So your kids will have riches or security?  Will it help them?  You might be unemployed, so you are stressed about that.  You might have absolutely nothing.  Most of you reading this have at least some level of subsistence, though.  If you are reading this, at least you are alive, which is something for sure.  Even those with some major struggles, have a little time for a vacation, even one for 5 minutes.

You can get away right now.  Retire in your mind, and be grateful for all you have…for your life, your surviving family, the meal you will eat today.  Take a nap, watch a show, read a book, watch a TV movie with the family.  If only for a few minutes you can get away.  Maybe simply to reflect on what is virtuous, or on the impermanence of existence.

Is this guy on a Staycation? (photo by Kimberly Vohsen)

As for vacation stories, your everyday life is full of them.  Especially the small misfortune stories!  These are the blessings.  Like the time you backed into a pole, or your wife hit the side of the garage.  What about the morning you put your shirt on inside-out or backwards?  Yesterday, my daughter came down dressed in green-striped pants, with a pink and yellow checkered shirt.  Now that’s a story!  I collect vacations five minutes at a time.

I don’t think I could pull this look off.

In the end, you will be gone.  Don’t let this frighten you, just know that what you are after, what you are stressing over might not be that important.  Even if it is, you can take a break from it.

You can take your “Staycation.”

Anchor #5: Sympathetic Joy

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To be happy…for someone else.  It sounds easy to do, doesn’t it?  Of course, it does.  You are probably thinking of someone close to you:  your brother finally getting that job, your son graduating college, your sister won the big jackpot at pachinko, your friend got a raise.

Pachinko–Japanese Slot Machines?

However, when you really think about it are you 100% happy for that person?  100%!?  There is not a tinge of jealousy or “sour grapes?”  You are not thinking things like this?

  1. About your brother and his job – I need a new job, too!
  2. About your son and his graduation – Why didn’t I ever get my degree?
  3. About your sister and her big win – Money isn’t everything, she might be sorry after the tax bill comes!
  4. About your friend and his raise – I wish I was “in” with the boss.

Called Mudita in Sanskrit, sympathetic joy means unconstrained happiness for another’s good fortune.  This means not only to feel happy for them, but to do so unconditionally without those “sour grapes” feelings.  Sometimes I am just outright envious of others’ happiness, which means that I really have a long way to go before I can really feel any joy, let alone sympathetic joy for another.

Sour Grapes?

To have the thoughts in 1 – 4 above is not necessarily bad in and of itself.  We can use others’ success and happiness to reflect on where our life is going (e.g. What can I do to get a new job?) and on what is important to us (“I really don’t need a college degree at this point in my life” or “money really isn’t everything”).  However, these kinds of thoughts, particularly in the moments right after we discover the good news, can indicate that we are unwilling to be unconditionally joyous for others.

Even more difficult is to have sympathetic joy for someone we do not know and then, heaven forbid, for someone we really don’t like.  This attitude requires some cultivation to be sure.  Think of an elected official who you did not want to win his position, but he won anyway.  Can you be happy for him?  What about the lady in front of you at the checkout counter who is the 1 millionth customer?  She just won $50,000!  Can you be happy for her?  What about the guy who just passed you on the right (oh, the humanity!) and made it through that red light?

To meditate on whether or not you have an unconditional joy for others can be a very powerful tool in your journey toward virtue.  You can also develop the ability to have better sympathetic joy by meditating on it.  Your meditation may begin with gently closing your eyes, then following your breath.  When you breathe in, notice your breath and say “breathing in.  When you breathe out, notice the out-breath and say “breathing out,” and so on…

As you continue to follow your breath meditate on someone with good fortune; maybe a friend, your spouse, or family member.  Truly feel their joy.  Their joy is your joy.  You are happy.  As you continue, you can think of someone you don’t know.  You can think of someone who has had great fortune.  Maybe a neighbor you are not close to who has just had a newborn child.  Truly feel their joy.  Their joy is your joy.  You are happy because they are happy.  Next, you can think of someone you do not particularly like.  They have great fortune that comes their way.  Truly feel their joy.  Their joy is your joy.  You are happy because they are happy.

Welcome to Mudita…One of the Four Sublime States and one my 7 Meditation Anchors.

Will you try this?

7 Meditation Anchors

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Am I being virtuous?  Am I focusing on what is important?  What follows are what I call my Seven Meditation Anchors.  During times of relaxation (before bed, with morning coffee, or even when I think I need to relax–e.g. heavy traffic or when family has driven me to the limit).  I use these 7 anchors to help me come back to what is important.  Sometimes I focus on one of them, other times I meditate on each in turn.  I rarely meditate for longer than 15 minutes.

Thanks, Siddhartha!

For those familiar with Zen/Buddhism, four of these, Compassion, Love, Joy, Equanimity will have a vaguely familiar look…the Four Sublime States are a cornerstone of my anchors.  They are what I call the spiritual/emotional anchors.  They speak to the cerebellum, the medulla, the spiritual/ancestral (limbic and reptillian) brain.

The remaining three, Understanding, Patience, and Persistence, I consider rational anchors.   They speak to the cerebrum (Neocortex), or thinking brain. They elicit cause and effect, and help with the “why’s” of what to focus on.

So, here they are with a short description for each.  Don’t worry, I will expand upon each in the upcoming days.  (Rationals are blue, Spirituals are green)

  • Compassion – is to feel the suffering of others.
  • Understanding – is to put yourself into another’s mind, or into a situation and really think about what you would do
  • Patience – is to understand that things take time, despite large amounts of effort
  • Persistence – if things take time, then great effort is required over and over and over…
  • Joy – is not just joy, but sympathetic joy.  This is to revel in the good fortune of others…the opposite of envy
  • Equanimity – is the ability to see things as they are, from a distance, to be the water and not the waves (see Passionate Equanimity)
  • Love – as in Lovingkindness; this is love without possessing, without judging, without expecting it in return, it is to love as if a god

Note:  You may be wondering why these are listed in this particular order.  It’s a simple practical decision for me:  it’s because in this order, they spell CUPP-JEL, which I can remember easily.  None is more important than another, in my opinion (see last paragraph of my credentials here).  You might choose to start with the “rationals” and finish with the “spirituals,” or vice versa (that would spell UPPJELC). For all I care, use PLUC-JEP.