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Lovingkindness: Gandhi, World Peace, and Family Happiness

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I woke up this morning ready for a fight.  I had some left over resentment from a disagreement I had with someone very close to me…my lovely wife to be perfectly honest.  All the while, I began to prepare for my next post about lovingkindness.  Oh the Irony!  To write about loving all sentient beings with unconditional love, yet holding back even a little to those close to you.   It doesn’t make much sense does it?   And yet, it happens all the time; while we are severe with those close to us, we put on the “happy” mask and interact with civility and agreement with complete strangers.

This got me to thinking (yes, here I go again).  Did Gandhi ever just wake up and decide to be a pain in the rear to those around him that day?  This question sent me on an internet journey to find out.  In retrospect, traveling down THAT rabbit hole consumed far too much of my time, but I finished the journey to my liking and learned a thing or two.  As it turns out, I found this internet entry where it explains that, “[Gandhi] was exceptionally demanding of himself, and demanding of those closest to him.  Whereas he displayed loving kindness to virtually everyone, with his family he could be quite severe.” I also found this Wikipedia entry about Kasturba Gandhi, his wife.  While the article was fair, I think you might come to the conclusion that Mr. Gandhi’s domestic life was far from serene.

After even further internet research, I discovered two very important concepts about Gandhi, the peace-warrior:

  1. Gandhi’s family life was very complicated, and it seems no different than many of our own internal family issues.  In fact, it may be that his extreme views and justice efforts made his family worse for the wear.
  2. Don’t go to the Internet for information if you want a straight answer.  There is a lot of unverified and conflicting stuff.

OK, the second one was not really about Gandhi, was it?  In any case, I think I have come to some closure on this Gandhi question.  If my current view of Gandhi is correct, that he spent far more energy on justice for his community than on tranquility in his home, then I do not want to emulate everything about him.  I think he missed a key portion of “how to live” if he did not convey lovingkindness to his wife and children, as he worked for peace in the macro sense.

In fact, there may be some validity in the idea that tranquility and lovingkindness begin at home.  I have often struggled with the concept of how difficult it would be to attain world peace, when I think about how difficult it is for those who are very close (like family) to come to be “at peace” with each other.  Marriage statistics alone tell part of the story.  In the U.S., around 45% of first marriages end in divorce (see http://www.divorcestatistics.org).  This does not even include those who never get married because they gave up, or those who stay married even if their relationship is violent, miserable, or fattening (I just put “fattening” in to see if you were paying attention).  Rhetorically I must ask, how many brothers and sisters don’t speak to each other?  How many father – son relationships are estranged?  Where is the love?

So what is the point, if I should have one?  I think the big take away is that “we” as humans have a long way to go to showing true lovingkindness.  I know “I” certainly do.  How can we show lovingkindness to all those around the world, when there is so much work to do with those we are closest to?  This REALLY seems like bad news!  Indeed, it is the bad news.

Now for the GOOD news!  Because there is such a gap between the kind of lovingkindness we strive to attain and what the reality of the situation is, creating more of it in your life is LOW HANGING FRUIT.  It should be very easy to send out even a little more to those close to us.

Well, as for my agitation with my wife, it’s gone; it was just silly.  In the end, it was more my faulty interpretation of things that really created the problem…I’m over it, except that I’m a little embarrassed about feeling that way.  As for the rest of my day, I am committing myself to conveying lovingkindness to those closest to me.  World peace will have to wait.

I am not worrying about “World Peace” today.

Will you join me?

Anchor #7: Lovingkindness

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Lovingkindness (Metta) is sometimes shortened (even by me) to love.  This is fine; it’s easier to remember, but I think to absorb the true meaning of lovingkindness you have to remember that it is so much more than “love.”

Not this Metta!

Lovingkindness is to wish good will and happiness to all sentient beings.  First and foremost of these are humans…not because they deserve it, but probably because they don’t.  Seriously, when is the last time a bison or a worm ticked you off?  In other words, people can be much harder to express lovingkindness to, precisely because they are so complex.  That darn neocortex (see triune brain)!

In any case, the lovingkindness I focus on is that for those in the human species.  Like compassion or sympathetic joy, you can express it for

  1. Yourself
  2. Those you already love
  3. Those you don’t know
  4. Those you can’t stand
  5. Those you absolutely hate (you know there are a few, yes?)

As soon as you master these five, then maybe you can expand towards all sentient beings.

Lovingkindness is not that Eros kind of love, where the passion is returned.  It is a selfless love extending out as brotherly (remember philia?) love, and then all-embracing unconditional love, possibly an agape (godly) love.

You can meditate and wish lovingkindness to your world, person by person, being by being.

It all starts with a quiet moment and contemplation…

(Feature “Hands” photo by Penny Mathews)

Anchor #6: Equanimity

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Equanimity:  the sixth anchor in my CUPPJEL meditation.  I have mentioned it at least twice before (here and here).  Although I am writing about equanimity sixth, it very well may be the greatest of the anchors, or the Sublime States for that matter.

Not only is equanimity a means to virtue, but it could be an end state.  Equanimity implies tranquility, which in the end is the goal of virtue, no?  Once you have it, it permeates all of your actions and thoughts.  Once equanimity courses through your veins, it fundamentally changes you!  It is a marvelous state of being that makes you a better person.

So, that’s great and all, but what is it?  Well, first of all I’ve described equanimity quite a bit in my passionate equanimity post.  In short, it is the ability to see and know existence as it is, with all of its ups and downs.  It is not to be indifferent, but rather to be aware and accepting.  However, true equanimity goes much further than that.  It is to let go of yourself, your ego.  It is to be the ultimate observer in an unselfish way.  In the end, nothing is truly yours…you are infinitely connected to every atom in existence.  You are part of this divine interconnection, you always have been and you always will be.  Someday, the atoms you are borrowing from all of existence will go off to other uses.  In fact, the the vast majority of atoms in your body now will probably not be the same ones that are in your future body.

You are a collection in the Primordial Soup

Even tomorrow, your own mind and body will be entirely different.  The cells, molecules and atoms of your body once belonged to a cow, a pig, fungus, manure, the air, a carrot, etc.  As you expel your own cells, your own composition will be used by plants, by others, by bacteria, and the rest of existence.  Even more awe-inspiring, some of those atoms will escape, and travel throughout the universe.  Others within you now, have already been to the outer reaches of space.  You are helplessly and forever part of all of existence.  There is no “you” there.  As you accept this, little things become nothing and big things that bother you become much smaller.

As a result, you can rationally and methodically see things as they are…and accept them, and be more virtuous.

Are you there?

Anchor #5: Sympathetic Joy

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To be happy…for someone else.  It sounds easy to do, doesn’t it?  Of course, it does.  You are probably thinking of someone close to you:  your brother finally getting that job, your son graduating college, your sister won the big jackpot at pachinko, your friend got a raise.

Pachinko–Japanese Slot Machines?

However, when you really think about it are you 100% happy for that person?  100%!?  There is not a tinge of jealousy or “sour grapes?”  You are not thinking things like this?

  1. About your brother and his job – I need a new job, too!
  2. About your son and his graduation – Why didn’t I ever get my degree?
  3. About your sister and her big win – Money isn’t everything, she might be sorry after the tax bill comes!
  4. About your friend and his raise – I wish I was “in” with the boss.

Called Mudita in Sanskrit, sympathetic joy means unconstrained happiness for another’s good fortune.  This means not only to feel happy for them, but to do so unconditionally without those “sour grapes” feelings.  Sometimes I am just outright envious of others’ happiness, which means that I really have a long way to go before I can really feel any joy, let alone sympathetic joy for another.

Sour Grapes?

To have the thoughts in 1 – 4 above is not necessarily bad in and of itself.  We can use others’ success and happiness to reflect on where our life is going (e.g. What can I do to get a new job?) and on what is important to us (“I really don’t need a college degree at this point in my life” or “money really isn’t everything”).  However, these kinds of thoughts, particularly in the moments right after we discover the good news, can indicate that we are unwilling to be unconditionally joyous for others.

Even more difficult is to have sympathetic joy for someone we do not know and then, heaven forbid, for someone we really don’t like.  This attitude requires some cultivation to be sure.  Think of an elected official who you did not want to win his position, but he won anyway.  Can you be happy for him?  What about the lady in front of you at the checkout counter who is the 1 millionth customer?  She just won $50,000!  Can you be happy for her?  What about the guy who just passed you on the right (oh, the humanity!) and made it through that red light?

To meditate on whether or not you have an unconditional joy for others can be a very powerful tool in your journey toward virtue.  You can also develop the ability to have better sympathetic joy by meditating on it.  Your meditation may begin with gently closing your eyes, then following your breath.  When you breathe in, notice your breath and say “breathing in.  When you breathe out, notice the out-breath and say “breathing out,” and so on…

As you continue to follow your breath meditate on someone with good fortune; maybe a friend, your spouse, or family member.  Truly feel their joy.  Their joy is your joy.  You are happy.  As you continue, you can think of someone you don’t know.  You can think of someone who has had great fortune.  Maybe a neighbor you are not close to who has just had a newborn child.  Truly feel their joy.  Their joy is your joy.  You are happy because they are happy.  Next, you can think of someone you do not particularly like.  They have great fortune that comes their way.  Truly feel their joy.  Their joy is your joy.  You are happy because they are happy.

Welcome to Mudita…One of the Four Sublime States and one my 7 Meditation Anchors.

Will you try this?

Anchor #4: Persistence

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In Buddhism, there is an Eight-Fold Path to enlightenment, recommended to break the chain of suffering (called “Dukkha”).  The Eight-Fold Path as explained by most texts takes awhile to digest, and its components overlap in many ways.  It is a product of Eastern thought, which for lack of a better term, requires some absorption.  The path is a powerful concept to understand and put into practice in your pursuit of virtue.  Today, I will reflect on two of the eight because they have a lot to do with our Fourth Anchor, Persistence:  Right Effort and Right Concentration.  Together these two Eastern concepts will help me convey the value of persistence.

If we were to have perfect patience and nothing else we would wait for things to happen…and nothing would happen.  To complement patience, I would say we need to take actions to make ourselves and our surroundings better and to do so with persistence.   Persistence implies hard work…persistence is hard work.  We try and try over and over again, we fail, we get up.  To maintain our sanity, we must have patience; but to keep going, we must persist!

Champion Powerlifters Must Have Persistence – Lots of Right Effort!
(www.liftingpictures.com)

But at what should we persist?  Hitler was persistent, and so was Osama Bin Laden.  How do I guide myself to persistent good?  I have found the concept of Right Effort and Right Concentration to be very helpful guide to how we should persist.

It is at this point that I will explain Right Effort.  Right Effort requires that we persistently make effort to become more virtuous.  According to Zen this effort, to be right, should be focused on 4 endeavors:

  1. Prevent arising unwholesome views and feelings
  2. Abandon unwholesome views and feelings you already have
  3. Create new wholesome views and feelings
  4. Maintain the wholesome views and feelings that you have

This kind of effort requires persistence and lots of concentration.  Which brings us to Right Concentration.  To be persistent in our pursuit of the good, we must maintain our focus on it.  The best way, I think, to do this is to concentrate on what is important.  And the best way to concentrate on what is important is to reflect or meditate on what is important.   Concentrating on what will make us more virtuous is what makes it “right.”  With the Right Effort and Right Concentration, I can eventually get beyond “thinking about virtue” for 5 – 30 minutes a day, and create the motivation to live and act virtuously.

But of course, to be virtuous takes great persistence.  The world around you won’t change very much at all, despite your efforts; however, with time your view and your impact on your immediate world will change for the better.

…as long as you are persistent.