I woke up this morning ready for a fight. I had some left over resentment from a disagreement I had with someone very close to me…my lovely wife to be perfectly honest. All the while, I began to prepare for my next post about lovingkindness. Oh the Irony! To write about loving all sentient beings with unconditional love, yet holding back even a little to those close to you. It doesn’t make much sense does it? And yet, it happens all the time; while we are severe with those close to us, we put on the “happy” mask and interact with civility and agreement with complete strangers.
This got me to thinking (yes, here I go again). Did Gandhi ever just wake up and decide to be a pain in the rear to those around him that day? This question sent me on an internet journey to find out. In retrospect, traveling down THAT rabbit hole consumed far too much of my time, but I finished the journey to my liking and learned a thing or two. As it turns out, I found this internet entry where it explains that, “[Gandhi] was exceptionally demanding of himself, and demanding of those closest to him. Whereas he displayed loving kindness to virtually everyone, with his family he could be quite severe.” I also found this Wikipedia entry about Kasturba Gandhi, his wife. While the article was fair, I think you might come to the conclusion that Mr. Gandhi’s domestic life was far from serene.
After even further internet research, I discovered two very important concepts about Gandhi, the peace-warrior:
- Gandhi’s family life was very complicated, and it seems no different than many of our own internal family issues. In fact, it may be that his extreme views and justice efforts made his family worse for the wear.
- Don’t go to the Internet for information if you want a straight answer. There is a lot of unverified and conflicting stuff.
OK, the second one was not really about Gandhi, was it? In any case, I think I have come to some closure on this Gandhi question. If my current view of Gandhi is correct, that he spent far more energy on justice for his community than on tranquility in his home, then I do not want to emulate everything about him. I think he missed a key portion of “how to live” if he did not convey lovingkindness to his wife and children, as he worked for peace in the macro sense.
In fact, there may be some validity in the idea that tranquility and lovingkindness begin at home. I have often struggled with the concept of how difficult it would be to attain world peace, when I think about how difficult it is for those who are very close (like family) to come to be “at peace” with each other. Marriage statistics alone tell part of the story. In the U.S., around 45% of first marriages end in divorce (see http://www.divorcestatistics.org). This does not even include those who never get married because they gave up, or those who stay married even if their relationship is violent, miserable, or fattening (I just put “fattening” in to see if you were paying attention). Rhetorically I must ask, how many brothers and sisters don’t speak to each other? How many father – son relationships are estranged? Where is the love?
So what is the point, if I should have one? I think the big take away is that “we” as humans have a long way to go to showing true lovingkindness. I know “I” certainly do. How can we show lovingkindness to all those around the world, when there is so much work to do with those we are closest to? This REALLY seems like bad news! Indeed, it is the bad news.
Now for the GOOD news! Because there is such a gap between the kind of lovingkindness we strive to attain and what the reality of the situation is, creating more of it in your life is LOW HANGING FRUIT. It should be very easy to send out even a little more to those close to us.
Well, as for my agitation with my wife, it’s gone; it was just silly. In the end, it was more my faulty interpretation of things that really created the problem…I’m over it, except that I’m a little embarrassed about feeling that way. As for the rest of my day, I am committing myself to conveying lovingkindness to those closest to me. World peace will have to wait.
I am not worrying about “World Peace” today.
Will you join me?
, by the way). A great number of people have problems with their family. They think they are not loved like they should be by family members. They are disrespected by their children, and cheated on by their spouse, or beaten by their father. Most of us expect our family to be pleasant to us…just because they are family. You expect your wife to be in the mood for sex when you are, or at least at the same rate as you are (e.g. every other day vs.once every two weeks). Your parents are intrusive in your life. Your children NEVER listen to you. Many expect family to be a perfect refuge from the rest of the world, but isn’t that an unrealistic expectation? Eventually, your family will disappoint you. This is not a negative statement about family, it is just the cold hard facts. The world around you, including your family, is not here to please you all the time. Your fellow human beings, including your family (and no matter how noble they may be), will err, they will sin, and sometimes they might just outright betray.