I Kissed my Wife Today (“We” Part 4)

Posted on February 24, 2013 by Chris

Lately, my wife has had some health issues. They might not be a big deal, but for all we know they may be something very serious. There are still more tests and investigations to be done before there is complete clarity and relief. More than likely, modern medicine will find some health irregularity, and then she’ll be treated and she’ll feel better, but that is only in the short term. Eventually, either she or I will come face to face with our end on Earth, and the other must face this loss as well. Eventually, one of us will somehow meet our maker. The odds are good that someday one of us may receive some news that many are not prepared for, someday some doctor may look us in the eye and say that one of us is dying, and it could be very quickly.

In any case, I began reflecting on my wife’s health. I realized that someday she might not be with me. Nobody likes to think of these things, but the fact of the matter is that those you love may be gone from you, sooner than you want them to be. You would have thought that reflecting on this might have depressed me. Quite the contrary, I chose to notice that my wife was with me today, and how lucky I am to have her. I was filled with gratitude. Completely filled with gratitude.

Eros love…transitory (click here for more)

With this gratitude welled up inside me, I kissed my wife. This was no normal kiss. I really appreciated her, right then and there. I really, really felt it. The gratitude that I had was overwhelming. Why was it so overwhelming? Why had I forgotten how grateful I should be that she is with me? I think it is because I had lost my awareness that everything is impermanent (Click here, then here, then here). My time with her is transitory, just like everything else.

My goal as a Stoic sage is to always know that she is a gift to me. Every moment, every day I should know that our time here together is limited. As a result, I should feel grateful and relish every moment with this great gift to me. A gift that has lasted 20 years so far. I hope for many, many more years but it is only hope. How long we remain together is out of our control.

In the meantime, I will appreciate every moment with her.

On Tragedy, Death and Evil…a Stoic’s View

Posted on December 15, 2012 by Chris

“Never say of anything, ‘I have lost it’; but, ‘I have returned it.’ Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise? ‘But he who took it away is a bad man.’ What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don’t view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.” –Epictetus

One cannot help but read the headlines and hear of tragic events all around us. Most recently, in the U.S. State of Connecticut, a very unstable young man of 20 chose to randomly shoot anyone he could in an elementary school. He cared not that his victims were young and innocent, or who they were. In the end, 20 young children and 8 adults were killed in a matter of minutes, including the shooter. 28 sentient beings have been “returned.” For 20 of them, their time here was a short one.

Unfortunately, what happened in Connecticut is not unique. While I would be hesitant to say that mass murder is a common occurrence, we would be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge that its existence parallels that of all of humanity’s time on earth. It is difficult to understand for the large majority of peace-loving and life-respecting individuals, why such things happen. Some mass-murderers are evil, others are delusional. Still others, like Genghis Khan below (AD 1162-1227), even think they are justified by some purpose, but for the victims the result is the same.

Ghengis Kahn: figures estimate he killed up to 40 million. Public Domain photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:YuanEmperorAlbumGenghisPortrait.jpg

Genghis Khan: figures estimate he killed up to 40 million. (Public Domain photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:YuanEmperorAlbumGenghisPortrait.jpg)

Because such things do happen, and probably always will, I must acknowledge this: It can happen. It can happen to you, your children, or your spouse. It can happen today. It may happen 15 seconds from now.

Which brings me to one (although there could be many others) very important point about what we can learn from such an event: The existence of all is temporary. The existence of your children, your parents, friends, spouse, and you. All temporary! Acknowledging this should not be depressing. Rather, it should motivate you to cherish every moment with them. Appreciate them now, not when they are gone.

But to drive home this point, I will share an observation I had about what I saw on social media yesterday about the Connecticut shootings. Over and over, I read things like, “I am going to hug my little ones a little tighter tonight,” “my child had a drill about this very thing at school, it made me cry,” or “With everything that happened today, we are having a family night. It’s all I could think about as the day progressed. I just want my kids close.” Furthermore, I personally couldn’t help but picture my own grief had I lost my child in such a tragedy. I think we all tend to do this. We project a tragedy into our own life. This is not a bad thing; it is how we empathize with others. Should we really need a reminder, though?

You do not expect that this will be the last time you see your child.

Our goal then, is to understand that those we love in our lives are not ours. Even our own lives, in the end, are not ours. Every moment we spend is on loan, and the lease will expire at some point. We don’t know when, where or how, but it will end for all. This existence is borrowed. The sage of virtue knows this at all times…few of us are sages, but that is what we strive for. When I acknowledge the impermanence of all, then I relish every moment with those I love, and indeed I carefully examine how I spend my own time.

So, hug your loved ones a little tighter EVERY night, and try not to be reminded only when tragedy jolts you into awareness. That is the philosopher’s goal.

How Can I be a Hero? Ten Things to Try Now!

Posted on December 4, 2012 by Chris

“Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind.” –Kansas

“We are the champions my friend, and we’ll keep on fighting til the end!” –Queen

Fate and impermanence are powerful concepts. I’ve dwelled upon them in my previous posts…just about all of them, in fact. You can find examples of this here, here, and here. If I am destined for failure, doomed to death, and my world will eventually crumble before me, what’s the point? Should I just throw in the towel? If we are all destined for misery, then why should I even try?

Should I just give up?

No, no, no! That is not my point! It is true that much struggle, much strife will befall us. It is also true that your existence, as well as that of all around you will be gone in no time. Face it, in about 100 years it will all be new people. 100 years…that’s a blink of an eye in the continuum of the 13.7 billion (or so) the universe has existed. For comparison, think of the age of the universe as a year. If you live to be 100 years, your life span would be less than second in that year (actually, about 0.23 seconds). So if our time is so short, then what does that mean? What is it you want to do with those 100 years…with that blink of your existence? How can I be a hero? Here are some suggestions:

13.7 Billion Years!

Make Something – Set yourself to building, or creating. Build your child a treehouse, build a business. Create art, music or poetry. Design a widget to make someone’s life better. Leave a legacy…for your own sake.
Help Someone – You can volunteer at a soup kitchen, be a crossing guard, find a career where you can help someone…as a doctor, nurse, architect. Be a banker, but bank with passion and compassion to make a difference in your world (not the ENTIRE world, just yours).
Become a Master– Master the piano, brain surgery, flying a helicopter, fixing motorcycles.
Master Brain Surgery!

It may take years, it may take much of your time, but find something you love and master it! It will make you proud, it will be worth it.
Love Someone – Take a chance on an old relationship gone bad, maybe it is with your mother, father, brother, ex-husband, or an old friend. Take a chance on telling someone how you feel…someone who might not know it…maybe it’s that huge crush, or a friend who doesn’t know about your romantic feelings.
Love Everybody – You don’t need to trust everybody all the time, but you can give them a chance. “Respect all, measure each.” Most of those around you struggle to hold their ground in this wrestling match called life, and many are doing it honestly. Have compassion for them today.
“Be” with Someone – When you are with someone you love, pay attention to them. Really listen. Feel their feelings. Empathize with them. When you interact with anyone reallypay attention. Be with them in the moment.
Listen!

You will notice more if you really pay attention. Remember, you only have 100 years so use every moment wisely.
Appreciate this Day– What kind of day is it? The warm sun, the cold breeze, the wet rain, the cold snow…appreciate them all. Take a deep breath…notice how it feels so refreshing as it replenishes your oxygen stores. If 100 years is .23 seconds, then 1 day is 0.0000063 seconds. Sands in the hourglass, no?
Teach – Share what you know with someone. Share your talents, pass on your skills to the next generation, or your current community.
Reach a Goal – Finish that marathon, lose 10 pounds, golf below 80. Finish college (just make it a degree worth pursuing)! The pursuit makes life interesting.
Relax – Yes, just take a break once in a while. Maybe you could use a “staycation.”

No need to try them all, although you could in a 100 years, but maybe just try a few. So, even though fate will have its way with you, you can take it on with tenacity. You can be a hero if you put yourself to it.

…and you can be proud of it, because YOU made the effort!

Beer, Fire, and on Being a Saber-Toothed Tiger’s Dinner

Posted on November 23, 2012 by Chris

For context, you have to read this post first: Important Things, Useless Things, and Beer.

While it may be true that the big things matter most, the real genius of living with virtue is mastering what those things are. In the story from my last post, the teacher says that family, health, friends, and favorite passions are the large stones, the things that matter most. Isn’t that a bit prescriptive? How does he know, and what gives him the right to tell me what are the “large stones” in my life?

So, telling me that there are things that should be important to me and things that shouldn’t be important is somewhat helpful, although not very specific. On the other hand telling me what should be important to ME, is quite specific, but a bit presumptuous, no?

But isn’t it just common sense that your family would be one of those big things? Let’s look a little closer. What if you have raised your child one way, and she decides to go another? What if she provides you no respect whatsoever? As an adult, this descendant of yours has cut you off. Should I force my will upon her? Do I invite her to Thanksgiving dinner no matter what? Do I try to establish an intimate father/daughter relationship regardless of her impudence? What are the factors that led to our estrangement? Couldn’t they be a series of “little things?” What if you are a firefighter, and you are called to extinguish a blaze during your own family holiday gathering? Do you say, “Hey man, family is way more important, you are going to have to find somebody else!”?

As I think about “The Stones in a Jar” story more and more, I am starting to doubt its usefulness. This poor professor thinks there is a whole jar full of “big things” and “little things.” He thinks family, health, friends, and passions are large stones. What he has missed is that these things are actually lumped collections of “little things.” They are clumps of sand…they are the seemingly unimportant things that together make the whole of my life. To say that family, friends, health and passions are important is fair, but to call them big things might not be all that helpful advice for leading a virtuous life.

We tend to be like this as humans, we like to categorize things as big things and little things. I think it was necessary for our survival. A saber-toothed tiger about to pounce on us is a big thing. Whether to build a fire out of maple or oak, might be a much smaller thing. In any case, couldn’t you classify either in the family, friends, health or passions column? It is very hard to have any of them when you are dinner for a predator. As far as building that fire, doesn’t that provide welfare for your family/friends, and maybe provide you with the warmth and light to pursue your passion? Doesn’t building a fire keep you healthy by allowing you to cook, keeping you warm, and warding off saber-toothed tigers?

The devil is in the details, isn’t it? The fact of the matter is that the “big things” are nothing more than a collection of little things, aren’t they? In my humble opinion there are very few big things, indeed. When it comes down to it, the big things (the “large stones”) are the concepts that guide my life and my philosophy. I can think of three categories of them:

As an alternative story to the “Jar of Stones” (and a much shorter one), maybe we can view things as a series of “clay projects.” I think maybe the 3 concepts above could represent the water. With this water, I can mix in the little things, the sand, and create my big things. When you have water, all you have is water. When you have sand, all you have is sand. When you artfully mix them, you can build, mold, fashion many “bigger things” with the clay you’ve formed.

…including family, friends, health, and passions.

Important Things, Useless Things, and Beer

Quote

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Chris

NOTE: There are several versions of this story. After researching, I am reasonably confident that the author is unknown (if you think you’ve found one, let me know). I’m sharing this version because of it’s humorous ending. I find it delivers an important lesson in the “wisdom to know the difference” train of thought.

“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty jar and proceeded to fill it with large stones. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the large stones. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. Although with less confidence, they agreed it was.

Full or not?

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes.” The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now”, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The large stones are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions – things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else – the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the large stones. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the rubbish. Take care of the large stones first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand”.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that, no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”