What if My Life isn’t “Disney World”

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In my post “How Should I Go,” I likened our life to a trip to Disney World:  regardless of what you may want to do next, eventually the trip must end.  Part of what makes a vacation so special is that one gets to experience joyful things that they never have before, and might not experience again…maybe forever, maybe not for a long time.   Life can be like that, too.  In a vacation world, each day has something to offer us, and every moment has something special in it, but again, it won’t last forever.

Disney can be dark.

Disney can be dark.

However, I am talking about externals here, aren’t I?  And, when we talk about externals not all of them are so pleasant.  For many, the conditions of life are not like a vacation, but as prison or as a gulag.  For many, there are great struggles that face them.  For most of us, the reality lies somewhere in between vacation and gulag, but let’s discuss our worst case condition.

Indeed, some of us are experiencing external struggles: hunger, unemployment, sickness or death of loved ones, or poverty.  Others are engaged in a great internal personal struggle:  depression, grief, personal sickness, injury.  Let’s face it, for many of us, life is not Disney World…hardly.  Life may be a place we would rather leave as soon as possible.  Most who endure these struggles do not leave.  For most, the will to survive is innate.  Certainly, humankind would not have been around for all of these years if this desire to survive wasn’t built into our code.

Many who endure their struggles can be described as enduring “stoically.”  In modern usage, the term “stoic” refers to a person who grits his teeth and endures existence, never complaining about the pain and tribulation that he must endure.  Unfortunately, this modern interpretation is only half-right.  The Stoic, as referred to by me, is more than just indifferent to the negative pressure around her, but in addition she is also aware that happiness is found internally, through our reason.  Through our own deduction of what is true, we live as a Stoic not only to endure but to be at peace.

A much better view from the outside of Alcatraz

A much better view from the outside of Alcatraz

This peace, this tranquility is found in being aware of the good, by using reason to know what is in my control and what is not.  In that there is tranquility.  So, even if life has given us an inordinate amount of burden to bear, that goodness is still within.  Even if we are not at Disney World, we can find great happiness in our virtue.  Moreover, even in prison there can be things to be grateful for.  First and foremost is our thought…which no one can and nothing should penetrate.

“Tribunal and prison are distinct places, one high, the other low; but your will, if you choose to keep it the same in both, may be kept the same. So we shall emulate Socrates, but only when we can write songs of triumph in prison.”  Epictetus Discourses Book 2 Chapter 6

Simply, put my attitude is where I begin to find my own tranquility.  But how do I change my attitude?  Well, that requires another post, doesn’t it?  Probably several.

How should I go?

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Taking a little detour here from “we.”  Going back to a “me” topic.  Well, maybe there is some “we” as well.  In any case…

Sometimes I wonder how I would prefer to meet my own death.  I don’t mean method of death.  Movie series like Final Destination or Saw, and countless others seem to gruesomely explore these possibilities.  It’s human nature to wonder about how we will die, that is what makes such movies alluring, but that is not I am talking about today.  What I am talking about is the “when.”  What I mean is I sometimes wonder how much time I would have from my knowing that I was dying to when I actually kicked the bucket.  If I go in a flash, I won’t be pondering my demise with acute urgency.  If I take years, indeed I would feel the pressure to tie up any loose ends.  It really doesn’t matter at this point, because I have no knowledge or control of how the end will come.  At this point, nobody has informed me that I have a terminal illness, or asked me to perform a life or death mission.  At this point, my death is completely in the hands of fate, and completely out of my control…completely unknown to me.  As far as I know, it is not imminent…although, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.


It seems that when it comes to my eventual death, there are two main issues I think I should focus on:

  1. Being Ready
  2. Loose Ends

Being Ready (Preparing for Death)

Shouldn’t I always be ready?  Isn’t that one of the essential tenets of living the philosophical life?  Shouldn’t I always be ready for my death?  What is the difference if a doctor tells me I have 2 months to live or not?  Aren’t I dying already?  I am in the process of death right now: my hair is graying, my stamina in just about everything is less than when I was 18, I can’t eat spicy food any more, I am unable to even tolerate eating ice cream (which I still love).  In short, these are all signs of my slow and eventual demise.  Nature is already telling me, “you are going to die.”  The only difference from that dreaded doctor news is the time span and the assumed authority (we tend to believe doctors when they tell us we aren’t going to make it, even though many defy the odds).

So, isn’t my goal to mentally be that doctor?  To stare myself down and say, “you only have about 40 more years to live, maybe less…maybe a LOT less.  It could be days, we just aren’t sure.  I’ve got to be upfront with you, there is a slight possibility that you might not make it through the day.”  It’s the truth, isn’t it?  Well, if I can admit that is the case, then shouldn’t I be ready.  Shouldn’t I always be aware that every moment is precious?  Absolutely!

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once."--Shakespeare

“The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave die but once.”–Shakespeare

Loose Ends

Do I really need time to tie up loose ends?  When would be a good time to die?  Before my wife?  After?  After my kids are grown?  After they are married?  After grandchildren?  Great-grandchildren?  Certainly, after I purchase life insurance.  So many loose ends, and no way to tie them all up before I go, no matter how long I have.  And there is the heart of the matter…I cannot possibly tie up all the loose ends before I die.  Remember, that your life is on loan to you for the time that is allotted.  You can try and try, but there will always be more you may wish to have experienced.  For some, this life may be like that trip to Disney World, that they never want to end…but it must end, even though you wished you could have spent more time at the Magic Kingdom.

No matter how together you are.  No matter how prepared you are for your own death, there will always be things that are undone.  There will be loose ends.  In my case, I think my goal is to make that clear to those who might miss me.  First, I suppose is to ensure that they will miss me, by my action and character.  After that, I must remind them (albeit gently) that life will go on when I am gone.  Hopefully, some people will miss me, but most likely they will go on, maybe occasionally touched by the sadness of my departure, but mostly unaffected in their outlook on life despite my permanent absence.  This is my hope anyway, and I think for the most part, it is true.

There are two main points about loose ends.  First, that you will likely depart before you and others desire.  More importantly though, eventually most (perhaps all) will go on quite peacefully without you.  So, there will be loose ends, but I think most of them will be centered around your own desires to want a little more “magic.”  Most of those loose ends can be tied by someone else who remains.  Eventually, people will go to Disney without you.

This is how I should face my end:  Always ready, aware that there will be loose ends when I go, and that those loose ends will eventually be tied.

I Kissed my Wife Today (“We” Part 4)

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Lately, my wife has had some health issues.  They might not be a big deal, but for all we know they may be something very serious.  There are still more tests and investigations to be done before there is complete clarity and relief.  More than likely, modern medicine will find some health irregularity, and then she’ll be treated and she’ll feel better, but that is only in the short term.  Eventually, either she or I will come face to face with our end on Earth, and the other must face this loss as well.  Eventually, one of us will somehow meet our maker.  The odds are good that someday one of us may receive some news that many are not prepared for, someday some doctor may look us in the eye and say that one of us is dying, and it could be very quickly.

In any case, I began reflecting on my wife’s health.  I  realized that someday she might not be with me.  Nobody likes to think of these things, but the fact of the matter is that those you love may be gone from you, sooner than you want them to be.  You would have thought that reflecting on this might have depressed me.  Quite the contrary, I chose to notice that my wife was with me today, and how lucky I am to have her.  I was filled with gratitude.  Completely filled with gratitude.

With this gratitude welled up inside me, I kissed my wife.  This was no normal kiss.  I really appreciated her, right then and there.  I really, really felt it.  The gratitude that I had was overwhelming.  Why was it so overwhelming?  Why had I forgotten how grateful I should be that she is with me?  I think it is because I had lost my awareness that everything is impermanent (Click here, then here, then here).  My time with her is transitory, just like everything else.

My goal as a Stoic sage is to always know that she is a gift to me.  Every moment, every day I should know that our time here together is limited.  As a result, I should feel grateful and relish every moment with this great gift to me.  A gift that has lasted 20 years so far.  I hope for many, many more years but it is only hope.  How long we remain together is out of our control.

In the meantime, I will appreciate every moment with her.

Epictetus: Philosopher Humor

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Here is an example of Epictetus’ humor from his Discourses Book 1, Chapter 26:

“I know a man who clung to the knees of Epaphroditus [a philosopher] in tears and said he was in distress, for he had nothing left but a million and a half [dollars]. What did Epaphroditus do? Did he laugh at him, as we should? No, he was astonished, and said, ‘Unhappy man, how ever did you manage to keep silence and endure it?”